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Self Destruction
Self
... "drip"
Walking around, hands plastered with staples... open
i dampen the situation, with a muffled gasp eyes reopen
I try
... to move past the bloodied high chair
i try...
to see threw the blood and tears i cried
i try...
but i can barely move without feeling like fainting
the tripping happened so suddenly... from the club to terror
what did i take tonight? in fright i look in the mirror
ample instincts leave my veins still pumping blood over my eyes
soulless eyes stare back at me... is this the drug starting to effect me?
a part of me dies...
I'm too shy to find myself, staring into the two way cabinet door
drool running down my chin... moving my hands to wipe it off a chore
who... would make a such a horrible picture to imprint in my skull
i feel dull...
oh no i forgot about little Johnny... poor kid was two years younger
the hunger that still plagues my brain, hopefully subsided in his...
at least i decided to leave him with Lizzy
she knows how to keep her wits about here... in these situations
evocation written all over my body... cuts and gashes...
mashed up antics... frantic writings on the wall
call it Satan's call... a personal membrane brawl.
resisted my mind state... make it more like my dream scape
drape the calmness over me like a blanket... ending my frantic antics
"son of a bitch!" i hate trigger finger itch... with no gun in sight
i might just cut up the walls... make this a stall covered in blight
a sin bin... lunar visions make my eyes dry up...
might be my time up... my heart stopped... strangled voice cry
i try to move but fall to rest on something soft to the chair next to me
its johnny holding Liz's lifeless head in his lap... eyes looking vexed, right at me
Johnny had his eyes closed...
petting her hair like a rose...
leaving red streaks...
bleak streaks of red run through her blond hair...
my lips whisered this isn't fair... this isn't fair....
muttering the same phrase for minutes...
Johnny started to sing a lullaby... this moment infinite
when i let out my last cry...
our mother walked in... seeing her firstborn daughter die
the five minutes it took for my brain to stop...
will never make the hospitals pre op
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call it Satan's call... a personal membrane brawl.
resisted my mind state... make it more like my dream scape
drape the calmness over me like a blanket... ending my frantic antics
^my favourite lines
this whole peice was very good and I enjoyed reading it,it flowed very well and I liked the imagery in this peice, your vocab was very good, and you had me hooked until the very end which is what makes a good peice even better.....you have a way with words...keep at it dude.
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I liked your style on this piece, very in depth with the story and it was fun to read, the imagery was very good and the language was difficult enough to makeit good and easy enough to make it even better...
but hey i'm serious it was real good.
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A great topic with some stand out imagery man. I'm glad to see you've been making progress since i left the site. You've become a strong topical writer. You brought decent vocab and an interesting structure and story progression to this which made me keep reading. My only complaints are the line length and use of rhymes was erratic at times but the strengths of this piece more than made up for it.
Keep writing.
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A different type of structure.
but i liked it.
i loved the imagery, it showed very well in your choice of words.
Content was great like i said, and you had a very good choice of vocab
The whole concept/topic was good, and i think you did a good job
of expressin your idea
i liked the fact that you didn't try to keep rhymin, you just said everything in words
not very many people do that anymore, and when they do
they just simply suck at doing so.
but you handled this very well.
you honestly have improved since i left just as johnny said.
keep up the good work man
rtf if you can on my OM
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285418
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cool thanks :P
ill return tommmorow when i write again... im baked as fuick
and my replies woiusld suck. at best... at best.... :P
.... pz
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aight real nice piece.i must admit u suprised me on a good way.,.. rel nice piece,structure was a bit diffrent but thats nice,its unique,imagery was also very nice along with vocab and flow.. topic was also good. all in all really enjoyable and nice piece... keep writin ull be even doper..
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pretty dope dude keep workin and doin what u do i sorta like the imaginary
it was pretty good wordplay wise my advise to u is keep doin what u do in that area structure is pretty good wouldn;t change nothin in that but work on ur imaginary dawg this was a pretty dope peace
8/10
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Sup, Twix. Not a bad piece at all here. Not too much vivid imagery, but you did keep to your story throughout.I did actually think it was gonna be Johnny who came into trouble (death), and was quite surprised when it turned out to be Liz. Some people might have seen it coming, but I think you written it in a way where it was quite inconspicuous. I liked that.. Decent piece of story telling overall, and you managed to keep me interested all the way through. I just think you could work on making your rhymes, less poetic. Get a killer flow moving, and you'll be writing some dope pieces. Props, Twix. Check out my latest piece in my sig' when you get chance.
-Brix.
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is this actually a rap board?
or a cry about your girl problems board?
fuckin a.
99 problems dude.
and witness is a str8 homo.
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real nice peace flows pretty good nice job peace
