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Don't Dare Tell Me.
Particles of dancing dust provoke the ease to sneeze,
Exhale all of the choking mist that mutates what I perceive,
Shrouded veil of false belief that bloomed from being so naive,
Relieved of pain through ignorance, from the second I was concieved.
To achceive upmost potential, placed on a summit of conformity,
With my head buried nose-deep in texts, power in their enormity,
The very thoughts that bind them, nought but religious irony!
The Bible spills the arrogance that breeds nurtured deformities.
Think about it; God put forward prospects of equal oppotunity,
And stole with the hand that feeds us all but the will to be,
We were taught robotically, ten basic rules for harmony,
And to dislike those who broke the code: homosexuals, junkies.
Forcibly reciting lyric, told to turn on those who are our friends,
Because putting other people down does your confidence no end,
Egotistical bigotry, this fake equal rights regime!
That is mirrored in the social class and in the media is seen,
The dehumanisation that stemmed from some forgotten religious fool!
Don't dare tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon.
look, im aware alot of you may be thinking, 'what the hell is she pattering on about here?' thats why I would only be grateful of a reply if you catch the end of my tether. A basic overveiw? I'm just presenting my belief that the Bible is a contradictory and hypocritical text which promises us equality and leads to putting other people down to gain our own self affiliation. Its a piece about people being broken down in society because of a problem that has been rooted in an early religious text. If you don't get it thats fine, I confused myself too.
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Im digging this. I like how you used a completly diffrent subject matter than most of the stuff i see in here. You made some good points and had some nice lines. Good work :)
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Okay okay okay, 1st of all i love you for putting feelings into
writing like this that ive been tryin to for some time.. but i
always manage to come with to much vocab with this
subject making it to harsh on the eye and mind of the..
or ending up on the opposite side of the spectrum with no
vocab and not been able to fully get across on how i feel
about the subject.. but you nailed it in my opinion.. each
line cant be described in any other way than real talk..
fully enjoyed reading this and wish you had gone further
with this.. i feel you could of put more lines into this and
still not spoilt the quality of the piece, but its quality not
quantity..
Maybe the fact i feel the same way may have formed a bias
but right now i think this is a great piece, nice job
Feed on this would be appreciated
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=280900
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you'v chosen a very controversial top but its good that you arent afraid to show your own opinion of what you think and your emotions about the bible. its gripping to read your accusations such as:
Forcibly reciting lyric, told to turn on those who are our friends,
Because putting other people down does your confidence no end,
and you also showed alot of good vocabulary and the emotion was pouring out of this piece. the whole piece i found a good read and interesting the only thing i thought was abit off was at the end when u tried to rhyme fool with moon but part from that its a good piece.
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yeah, the closer was a little weak but I suppose it could be a half-rhyme :) thanks for the comments :)
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it seems as if you're expressing that you want to make it further than where you're at now. You've got a poetic way of writing, but your internal rhyme scheme seems a bit off as well. the point of this story is a point that's been being made for a LONG time .. so I don't really think it's a creative subject. What's creative about it, is that you made it into something that was fun to read, and possibly gave your readers the right motivation to follow the same "Dream" if you will. It was a decent read ..you barely breached the line limit, which means it was a small piece and I would've prefered to read more ..but it was nice in it's own little way. Not perfect, but nice.
!Nash ..
..hit OM in siggy ..
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yup I will reply to that one :)
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this piece seem really deep with imagry. i like the way you expressed your emotion in this piece. the structure was str8, but no the best i seen. also the flow was okay. but the vocabulary was catching as well. the topic was common, but you used it in a geat drop. keep writing fams.......
WoRD^
drop sum feeds on my OM in my sig...
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This peice was pretty short but still realy creative and enjoyable to read
nice flow and excellent rhymes..nice and complex...pretty different ones..
multies were good..structure was very nice and overall this was really good peice
keep it up homie...peace
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Ok this was a iight piece.I was feelin it I guess but I wasnt gone on you closure.It disappointed me to say the least and I was hoping for it to be a vit longet but then again all things do not have to be long.Imagery was good here but you could have been a bit more creative.You could of used a little more emotion also but what you used was iight.Structure was straight and carry on doing your thing.
peace...
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cool, lots of replies, thats what I like to see
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Egotistical bigotry, this fake equal rights regime!
That is mirrored in the social class and in the media is seen,
The dehumanisation that stemmed from some forgotten religious fool!
Don't dare tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon.
nice
nice all round piece ..rhythm was kept to well and was appealing to read.. i beem reading or re-reading the bible recently myself... i believe it has a lot of inspirations inside... so keep in mind that over the years it has been meddled with to suit the rulers and scribes of the era... thus even iif gods words are suppossedly merged within...thus are the words of men...King james... .. even shakespeare played his part to my knowledge..among many others...whom by nayure were not the godliest og men .
neway if nething i think this piece could of gone deeper in concepts.. and given some more graphic examples of what u may see as injustices.. and maybe a little more imagery woulda paint a bigger and more intense picture..
nice poetics still fosho
stay1
