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The Smoking Room
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=276459
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278808
The Smoking Room.......................
Walls barecading the boundaries of this smoking room
Lungs being destroyed,outcomes to death to a smoking doom
windpipe filled with smoke but feels as if a smog has cluttered
his access to breathing,taking the same path as his mother
Surroundings are blurry vision has been pitched to a certain point
Concussion happens and he still recommends to smoke another joint
So fourth he hit to hard lungs being squezzed and choked
wet paper burning,pressed on his lips as he inhales the smoke
Falls down,his friends run out the room laughing and shows this guy
thought it was a big joke,foaming out of his mouth suddenly blows his high
They never encountered such a incident dead stiff
the darkness has tooken over pale skin and red lips
Head all cloudy no sign of corosponding,and everybody stares
nowing that jail will be the destination,for everybody there
Hualts of silence running out of the abandon building,and mash out
Not knowing the past history,for the death place was once a crack house
he's burried in hot clothes,but stiff as a board
Dead in that box cold,and sent to the lord
expired aspiration an exhaustion of his vocal cord
saying I hope you make is something he wasn't told before
The house torn down,demolished,just the lost souls are left
now forever remembered as the final smoke of death
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fuck man yall be sleepin on peopletoo much
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"The never encountered such a incident dead stiff"
"the darkness has tooken over pale skin and red lips"
I like that line alot good peice good flow good vocab good story. 8/10
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You know, that was a real good take on the topic, I just think you could have done better in every other aspect. You will learn to use the devices of a solid write with time.
Your verse had some awkward moments, the language used hurt, diction was lacking. I also thing the use of a more involved ryhme scheme was called for. I found many errors in this, but i guess you were overlooking certian things like that. You could have done much better, just have patience and do some homework... Practice makes perfect
peep A nver ending fairytale and apply some of the devices I used in it in your next write...
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thanx Bounce and i'll check it......
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One of your better pieces. I noticed in most of your pieces you try to get a message across, and for the most part, you do a good job in doing so. Only problem I had with this verse was its flow, a little off in some areas, but overall strong. As bounce said, you lacked diction and vocabulary, considering you were somewhat repetitive. overall man, not bad, you got some work to do, but i can see it happening. keep it up bro. try out again when you're ready. check out my piece when i post it.
peACE
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............................ ay glich.... nice nice nice...........ha ha ha ha
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vocab=couldve been better but its was straight
story=nice it kept me interested till the end
structure= was ok seen better from you here
wordlply=could improve some
overall this was a good drop Glich keep blazin em
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another nice piece man, u dont seem to lack imagination and creativity, so id recommend u work on vocabs, since this kinda work should have strong vocabs in it, everything else seem very good
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okay man thanks I guess uppin please
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thats was hot an i been tryna check out yo other ones bvut dammit you wrote so many its hard to keep up but one thing is they all hot so keep it up!!!
~chitownchick~you know the name!
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upping this thanx ma.........
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overall, i liked da angle u chose on dis piece...it was interesting but i think that ur actual mechanics were lacking...the word usage coulda been better & ur rhyme fell off in several different parts...it was a good read overall...just check out some other OM's & look @ the styles/mechanics that they use 4 every part of their piece
Like i said, it's a good piece 4 your age...just keep practicing & u'll b aiight!
Def keep postin' I'll b lookin 4 ur elevation in ur next drop...1
