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Sand Castle
Sand Castle
Life is like a sand castle. You fall off. Get blown or washed away. But do you have the power to rebuild?
Always falling off. Dealing with second chances
Pain of failure with the tide washing away attempts at advances
The Tarpen Stuck. Towering over everyone else I was the great pillar
Sharpen Up. Going back in forth no thrills in the great millar
My sand castle. Tides of water beat against it and gloat
Get pounded and drenched with dripplets like a rain coat
People just walk by and look at me when Im out and down
Asking. How you going to be king of the castle if you drown
I cant swim. Cant walk on water. I must be weak.
I cant fight my own battles so my problems lead to defeat
Sand Castle keeps getting washed away by armies of people
God doesn’t care. So I stop looking up to the golden steeple
Confidents is low. My sands heated. And My wind blows.
Being stangled by the likes of all the green sea weed
I want to fly and succeed; But the seagales tend laugh
………when they see me bleed
The heart of it all if taking beatings from eyes like a hurricane
Times change. And people you love will kick you down
………and the side of your Castle will never be the same
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...a/vc007246.jpg
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This was ok generally, although in my personal opinion I didnt' like it that much. The idea behind it was good..let's get that outta the way; the topic was decent, even though the analogy seems flawed and a bit corny to me. The main thing that made this hard to like for me was the structure; it often flowed pretty choppily, and sometimes your lines were stretched. Generally, vocab was decent: not amazing or anything but got the job done, though I disagreed with some words...uh yea...not amazing, but not offensive.
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yo nice flow man keep them rhymes comin i like it alot good job
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This whad a intresting concept behind it. Even tho it wasnt my normal kinda thing i still thing you brought your own style and had a good flow and structure to it. keep them coming man.
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hey man this shit was was like 6/10 and i likeed ya flow alot and i wish to c ya in one of ma post someday .....good j-o-b dude
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A beautiful closer, really relative to human nature and, without going into too much detail, the beliefs of Sigmund Freud, 'nothing is ever really forgotten', like the sand castle will never be repaired. I really felt that line deeply.
Listen to me, talking about the closer and I haven't even began to critically assess your piece as a whole, I usually try to do things in some form of near-chronological order :) I liked the topic, relating the down points of life to the fragility of a sand castle was a nice conceit - a beautiful extended metaphor. All I can really say for you to improve on is your spelling, in some places it was a little shaky, but that problem is easily overcome with careful proofreading. A nice little idea.
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ok, to tell u the truth i feel bad for the dude for not being able to build the damn sandcastle. i mean wut kinda world we living in where u cant build ur own sandcastle with out some one fuckin' it up... lol
ok i liked the structure cus it looked nice and neat, almost like a poem. there were some multies in there but i think u could have squeezed a few more in there, i liked this cus its new, never seen something like this and it made it different. i give u a 7.5/10 keep it up kidd.
