Promises

Promise me this, you will never hurt me
Promise me this, you will always protect me
Promise me this, you will always love me


Promises, hard to keep but oh so easy to say
Tears form in my eyes as I look at where you lay
But how can a mere man stop the power of death
I'd give everything for you to take just a single breath

I never meant to let it get that far between us
I honestly never meant to cuss
It's too late for me to ponder what I've done
Times ticking and it has only just begun

My hand trembling I start to pick up the phone
I look down at you as my heart turns to stone
Fingers shaking as I dial out the number
Your now unaware sleeping in your slumber
A voice answers but I cant find the words to say
That my sweetheart is dead as my body begins to sway
Trying to hold myself up I find the words to say
"Ive Murdered My Girlfriend, do with me as you may"

For now I have no reason to live this life without her
I always promised to protect her and never hurt her

My grandmother always said, "If You Can't Keep A Promise Dont Make One"
I overlooked this moral when i was young, Morals? I honestly never had none





http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270539
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...7&page=2&pp=15

wicked wordin, though a lil better vocab cudda been added... i love tha imagery & overall this was deep it really had emotion.. keep writin dis piece was niice.. i kinda think it was short though... but overall nice shiit... keep it up aiite...
check my o.ms in my sig if ya can k.......1

Promises, hard to keep but oh so easy to say
Tears form in my eyes as I look at where you lay
But how can a mere man stop the power of death
I'd give everything for you to take just a single breath

^that flowed well together

I liked the emotion and how you built it up for the ending line. It was more of a poem then a flow of any kind since you used a basic poem rhyme scheme with it but it worked well.

If i could suggest something for you to try it would be to try to become more complex with your rhyme scheme. Maybe even check out some other peoples battles and such and feel out some flows to get a feel for yourself and what you want to do.
Keep it up I am interested in seeing what you do with your next piece

-slow

Thanks, much appreciated, ill return feed soon.

Up.

this was hot i enjoyed reading this shit tho'
you brought out the topic well and had some decent bars along with that the flow was decent as well thats what made it even better
you didnt have to break it up into paragraphs but thats cool it was till tight. grammar wasnt too bad either

This wasnt that bad to me. You have a lot of potential and if you keep on writing and reading some HoF peices, you may just be one of those people in the HoF nah mean? Well, this WAS a played topic, but I wont stress it because you dont seem as experienced as the other cats here. You came with an original approach to the topic and thats always a good thing. Good job, keep writing. Pz.

Thanks. Appreciated.

Uppers.

one last up beofre i write new OM tonight.

this was aight. it had emotion in it so i ain't mad atcha. you need to put some vocab in it though. but overall it flowed very well an it was pretty damn good. just keep doin ya thang dawg. could you return the favor on these eyes don't see color

HAHAHAHHHHAHHAHHAHHA
Man soz for laughin', but hhheeeeeeeehehhehheh

That "I've murdered my girlfriend" line killed me muahahhaha

Last 2 lines are tight, makes the point.

I didn't like the structure though, y'know...Kinda, like...I don't know, chaotic?...

Peace.
Krit!cal

Promises, hard to keep but oh so easy to say
Tears form in my eyes as I look at where you lay
But how can a mere man stop the power of death
I'd give everything for you to take just a single breath

^that flowed well together

I liked the emotion and how you built it up for the ending line. It was more of a poem then a flow of any kind since you used a basic poem rhyme scheme with it but it worked well.

If i could suggest something for you to try it would be to try to become more complex with your rhyme scheme. Maybe even check out some other peoples battles and such and feel out some flows to get a feel for yourself and what you want to do.
Keep it up I am interested in seeing what you do with your next piece

-slow

felt a poetic vibe in here wich was ok, i dont really like the boxed writing but your emotion stood out in here` but try writing outside the box and youd be suprised on how much ''doper'' your pieces will end up..

keep writing