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American Dreams
I look back at a time of comfort, but my hearts been deprived from warmth
trapped dreaming when all hailed upon me when i was stuck under thunderstorms
i wonder if i could sleep one night..without waking up to sweat or screams
and last night i prayed for my life...so instead i died in my dreams
"another day, another dollar" and that's if people could really care...
...if i'm looking inside the dumpster with hopes if i could be living there
i'm unable to bathe for weeks, so i only wash my face in tears
i've had three suicide attempts...and yet this God still wants me here?
as everyday goes by i'm ridiculed by, humanity as a whole
without a reply - i'm uneducated containing profanity in my soul
and my mind's been full of insanity since my friend came in existence
people look down on me talking to no one, responding without a resistance
and sure my life's been pretty consistent, for the most part, below the average
in fact most people look upon me..as if they'd never known a savage
bringing damage to my heart by tearing it apart through money and charity...
..always desperate for a dollar, to purchase my heaven momentarily
and very rarely does it last, as my hopes and dreams return to the past..
...its no wonder i threw my life away..i found it the next day in the trash
I Am- the person that keeps lurking behind the curtains
the person working on your car, the man drinking at the bar
the authority refusing to import a single Cuban cigar
I Am the regime intruding the house of a questionable star
I Am- the savage you keep seeing on t.v.
the Klan bringing down the blacks, the rapper earning ten stacks
the homeless crack addict residing behind tattered shacks
I Am the American Dream..the only thing your dreams lack
I return each day from work, just to collapse n recline on chairs
rubbing my head and wondering why I still have dandruff in my hair...
..I bought the shampoo to make it stop, it was all i could be affording
After all, I spent my last paycheck to pay for my girl's abortion
I live next to a group of Jews, a Clan of Blacks equipped with heat
two drug dealers, a thug...and this homeless man standing in the street
my occupation defeats my purpose, it's not worth the pay to be tired
so tomorrow I'll ask for a raise...and instead my ass'll be getting fired..
Ain't no more luck in being hired..the industry's been pretty stuck..
..it's too bad i'm not a girl..I could be getting rich by being fucked
My Life Sucks more as time elapses..looking to my future seems fantastic..
..speaking of sarcasm...maybe I'll win the lottery by using magic!
and toss all of the money in the air after giving the homeless a fair share
but of course I could barely afford the odds of winning in my prayers
so perhaps I should leave and return to my family, to those who might care
since I crossed the ocean to prosper..but entered an American Nightmare
I Am- the person that keeps lurking behind the curtains
the person working on your car, the man drinking at the bar
the authority refusing to import a single Cuban cigar
I Am the regime intruding the house of a questionable star
I Am- the savage you keep seeing on t.v.
the Klan bringing down the blacks, the rapper earning ten stacks
the homeless crack addict residing behind tattered shacks
I Am the American Dream..the only thing your dreams lack
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...92#post3877292
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3877270
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hey ur rhymes were good..vocab was pretty good..not all that complex..but still just a step above ok...flow was very nice...smoth...structure was even..made it an easy read....topic was interesting...pretty common but this is one of the best one with the title....overall this was really good..enjoyable to read...keep it up..peace
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upping this piece...leave links for me to rtf
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upping once again.... :thumbsdow
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this was a nice verse your vocab was pretty good , flow was tight ,structure was nice too, easy to read, u chose a very nice topic, keep up wit the good work homie
peace
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This shit was nice jo, felt like it could have been better, but overall the flow and everything was original and i liked it.
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any constructive criticism??upppin!dont forget to leave links for me to hit up after
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damn like 45 views and only 3 posts of feedback? upping for some feedback/constructive criticism..
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not bad...good rhyming,
ok vocab, flow good
and topic wasn't half bad
overall 8/10
if u know how to judge audio battles hit this
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=267450
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Reading this i figured this was gonna be a sappy success story, which wouldnt be bad, but i like that u went the darker way with it, made it seem much more heart throbbing reading it and knowin for some its rlly like that......neways i thought u had good vocab,wordplay was really nice, metas,multies were nice..flow was good, overall ur structure could use some touching up, try 2 know how long u can write ur lines on ur (program) so that it stays clean when u post it in here..(wat i do), some of ur lines blew me away...like u had some lines in here that to me are some of the better lines ive read, ......however u also had some lines that seemd as though u put in and had no real place...such as the FIRST verse 4 me was really fulfilling very NICE DROP...however 2nd verse i wasnt feeling in most parts....thing i liked bout it is that it was real, and added a touch of reality, yet just didnt seem as important as ur first verse...kinda downplaying it all!, ..i would say work on ur overall structure,flow could use some touch ups, maybe add some more internals to spice up each line, but dont over do it...um vocab is fine, could be alil more creative wit it i suppose...however keep thinkin how u are...piece was good...
FAVORITE LINES...THAT HONESTLY WERE JUSS LIKE WOA!
i wonder if i could sleep one night..without waking up to sweat or screams
and last night i prayed for my life...so instead i died in my dreams
"another day, another dollar" and that's if people could really care...
...if i'm looking inside the dumpster with hopes if i could be living there
i'm unable to bathe for weeks, so i only wash my face in tears
i've had three suicide attempts...and yet this God still wants me here?
so perhaps I should leave and return to my family, to those who might care
since I crossed the ocean to prosper..but entered an American Nightmare
^specially the 2nd line in that 1st BAR...LOVIN IT BRAH!
^ and the very last line...means so much!
great job!
