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Unwanted Visitor
Unwanted Visitor
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*Window Breaks*
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Hiding in a vacant edifice, Trembling in my untied, Nike Air-forces
Left solitary after my immense capacity of heartbreaking divorces,
I heard a piercing Ruckus coming from the unilluminated domicile
walking down the freezing hall, roof full of hundreds of frigid icicles
Terrified, tip-toeing out the door with my old boyscout survival dagger
Y did this happen? the whole concept of thought left me in stagger
To make matters worse, all I could hear was the sound of thunder
And we had a major Blackout, so 2 of my 5 senses were torn asunder
Thunder strikes, I see a faint figure across the room in the distant silence
Shattered vases, I saw his face, I was shocked he was behind this violence
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I scurry to my room, called my Ex, she was drinking a bottle of liqueur
And to think that her Entrepreneur was my own unwanted visitor
Links: 2Hot2Handle
Po'
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Ok, this seems hella rushed to me. You had a decent topic, man, and some good lines. A lot of imagery and a some good idea's, the wordplay lacked a bit but I think you could of extened the piece it would of came across better...
overall, as another 14 year old, this was a good piece, buddy, keep elevating and keep doing what you're doing and check my piece out, any of those in my sig, thanks (Preferabbly Fantasy land, and or William Nolan.)
Thank you!
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Meh, it was really rushed....i was tryna take my time....but then i gor bored....and i'll hit up ur OM ina min.
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feelin it stil... niice vocab, structure, imagery, aiite wordplay... hmmm u shuuda make it longa.. buh az it wah rushed it koo... keep dat shiit droppin.....
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