Awaking to Reality... Crew Battle Verse

Awaking to Reality

Eclipsing lights slowly passing above in planetary motion,
A pure commotion's thirst quenched with death's devotion.
Wheelchair's melted down and genetically combined with brain?
Staring at a ketchup stain with a tongue held out to catch rain.
It's so funny it's not, warm as a fridge freezer combination,
Fast like gradual polar ice cap glaciation in grand central station.
Laughing screams, emitting unadulterated steam,
Awaking to be standing on my head on a 50foot beam.

Stirring eyes flutter from confusion, exasperated dillution,
Dreams flowing into life in a mutated disgusting fusion.
Tapping his temple in a questioning manner,
A spanner dangling from an ear lobe, not much of a planner.
Rolling across the plush velvet carpetting absorbing the cost,
Money's smell reverberates through its end result's loss.
Staring at himself in the mirror, spanner and all,
Pain echoes in a loud shot around his face as he stalls.
A splitting headache seperates his cranium in two,
Feels like uranium combined with a bowl of fruit.
Right? Yeah? How about it? Fuck off now, I'm tired,
Eyes fading into his skull, the body absorbs and retires.

Squeeking tears his eyelids apart, shaking rapidly,
Doctor's dart across with a start, staring avidly.
"HE'S AWAKE... HURRY!" coughing over his mistake,
Medicine clearly wasn't this dick's god given break...
Blood sprays from his mouth, why, why is it?
The shaking stops. The blood ceases. "SHIT!"

Staring down at my body as the colour fades,
Playing cards, and life just pulled the ace of spades.
I hope you enjoyed the story of my death,
It's wonderful like life with crystal meth.
Found overdosed in my lonely wooden shed,
Awaking to reality to already be dead.

Eclipsing lights slowly passing above in planetary motion,
A pure commotion's thirst quenched with death's devotion.
Wheelchair's melted down and genetically combined with brain?
Staring at a ketchup stain with a tongue held out to catch rain.
It's so funny it's not, warm as a fridge freezer combination,
Fast like gradual polar ice cap glaciation in grand central station.
Laughing screams, emitting unadulterated steam,
Awaking to be standing on my head on a 50foot beam.
Nice the flow of the begining was really good.The vocab. was as well,and the mutlties were smooth and good to make the flow nice.
Stirring eyes flutter from confusion, exasperated dillution,
Dreams flowing into life in a mutated disgusting fusion.
Tapping his temple in a questioning manner,
A spanner dangling from an ear lobe, not much of a planner.
Rolling across the plush velvet carpetting absorbing the cost,
Money's smell reverberates through its end result's loss.
Staring at himself in the mirror, spanner and all,
Pain echoes in a loud shot around his face as he stalls.
A splitting headache seperates his cranium in two,
Feels like uranium combined with a bowl of fruit.
Right? Yeah? How about it? Fuck off now, I'm tired,
Eyes fading into his skull, the body absorbs and retires.
Smooth man.I like the way you keep the story line right on topic and the way you still keep the flow amzing with the vocab.The emotion here was cool,and the imagery got better.
Squeeking tears his eyelids apart, shaking rapidly,
Doctor's dart across with a start, staring avidly.
"HE'S AWAKE... HURRY!" coughing over his mistake,
Medicine clearly wasn't this dick's god given break...
Blood sprays from his mouth, why, why is it?
The shaking stops. The blood ceases. "SHIT!"

Staring down at my body as the colour fades,
Playing cards, and life just pulled the ace of spades.
I hope you enjoyed the story of my death,
It's wonderful like life with crystal meth.
Found overdosed in my lonely wooden shed,
Awaking to reality to already be dead.

Ending was cool,i never really expected the storyline to go that way.The vocab still got better,and the flow remained the same.The last two lines were a good way to end it.The strucutre wass cool,and everything stayed on topic

Links are coming now.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...76#post3773676
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263006

Lol Dev...

I read your verse already for our battle
I will probably post mine here to since our battle
most likely will get slept on...


anyways.. You had a unique approach to the topic
like you always do with topicals. Your story lines
sometimes was as if they are from science-fiction
movie. Your story took a tad bit long too develop
but that's just my opinion. Nice ending though
somewhat done before but most pieces are.
You did though tackle the topic very good.
Your vocab was really good nice imagery.
Your flow was nice a few multies. Try not
to use so much ION-ending... good imagery.


Over all soild verse...





I'll put mine up so critique mine please.

Wheelchair's melted down and genetically combined with brain?
Staring at a ketchup stain with a tongue held out to catch rain.

yeah you sure got some twisted mettas...


and yeah mos def sarted off well with the flow...and maintained it very well for the most part....wording was good...
nice imagery.. executed well with the delivery...


not too sure about the ending of the last line.. just seemed a bit.. uhm

i dunno..just maybe awakened instead of awaking .. just my prefference i guess... good piece still.. enjoyed..very articulate without being over the top or too complex


ill joint

stay 1

Wheelchair's melted down and genetically combined with brain?
Staring at a ketchup stain with a tongue held out to catch rain.

fucking ILL metaphors, this was really good, deviate, great flow, excellent, didnt really nice imagery, closing couplets i wasnt feelin' too simple rhymes, but cool quick twist you tackled the topic well, good job, stay up, keep writing...

yeah its very good... but how is this a battle verse..?

its more like poetry.. at least to me

I noticed your first verse had some, what I call anyways, poetic punchlines. Lol, this is a line you read that makes you go 'Oh!' lol, like the wheelchair line, man, that was sweet. A greatly metaphor-filled poem, as always from you a terrific read and a really strong strong piece. I must admit I got lost here and there, but the closing verse was excellenty expressed and full of imagery and emotion, the actual closing line I really like as it was something i could imagine as strong as you could. Your vocabluary is outstanding and the way you use some words makes me thingk and hope I write half as decent as that. Full of imagery, and a strong sense of emotion, a really good drop here, man, good luck with the battle. :)

William Nolan

You're a respectable head too, buddy, check that out for me.

Thanks.

Thanks Ish and everyone else who stopped by.. Leave links.

Uppppp.

I enjoyed this piece. Vocab was amazing, best i've seen in awhile in an OM. Reminded me of some of Bounce's vocab. Flow was good, as was imagery. You took a different approach to the topic, which is very original and turned out well imo. Great job, and keep it up.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263357
^ Feed would be appreciated.

Up.

Dope, you're on a winner with this badboy. A great concept and well written with bizarre, but interesting imagery and solid plot progression which kept me absorbed until the end. Your vocab was strong but not over the top as well. All the aspects of a good topical piece. Some multi's would've been cool to see but this piece was dope without them.

Glad were on the same team, keep on posting man.

Thanks J6ft.. Appreciate it.