the young child

the young child, head in hands, mourning
having heard those gun shots on that dark morning
kneeled over his fathers body, screaming
once watery eyes, now streaming
no sierns, just silence
created by those few moments of wildness
what a great fathers day it turned out to be
the so young child, what he had to see
bulletts cut trough the air and then, pierce a lung
he feels like the platform has been removed and hes just bin hung
now hes hugging the body, the fire starts in his eyes
anger generates, just after some one close dies
he stands up and sees the mack on the floor
picks it up, looks for the killer and starts screaming for more
his grip tightens, and the trigger spring hardens
passing pedestrians still lying in gardens
he lifts up the gun, the bullets explodes and digs deep
his muslces relax and he lays dead in a heap

I like the imagery of the kid crying, and the environment. It would be real interesting to know why the father got shot though- I mean, right now it's just out in the air, he just get's shot. And your description of the killer made it seem like it wasn't just some random tap. It was emotional - something inside. Would be nice to see that in there, 7/10 as is. probably a 9/10 if you beef it up a little. Good job.

cheers bro

uppin 4 feed

really deep peice here... not alot of complex vocab or big words but was not really needed... you got your point across.... i see alot of potential here... nice work...
keep it up man. you have a good style and its not too gangster.... theres not much room for gangsters in open mic hah.

this was a pretty good drop man
the topic was iight and the vocab was too simple
rhymes were aiight...flow was pretty god but sum places choppy
strucutre was pretty iight not all that good just iight
just keep elevating..peace

You wrote well here... I was quite surprised... You had some good imagery.. It was quite a played topic and it wasn't particularly complex or technical, but it showed potential. I think if you set yourself a decent topic, spent some time with it you'd have a great piece in the end.

Keep at it, you have potential...

Dude, that was a tight flow, i dont know the rules right now, but i think i got a flow too

Im hard to impress but it was good

That was cool, i was feelin how u flowed it.
nice topic to

Keep it up my nigg

Good Imigary.
I like this one short and sweet, it made me think of so many films where someone close to a character gets shot and allough pretty stupid becuase of the charaters anger he just stands up and walks shooting, loads of people scared for there lives around hiding etc... but he just keeps stood straight firing.
You can actually imagine yourself doing it, good idea man keep it up.

cheers bro

You leave shitty feedback, Closed.