Fast Lane

This is my verse from the WOP 3 tourny RD1





His pain, disruptive noise flow grains through his name
heads bow in shame, yet appreciate blood in his veins


Disrupted order of fashion, abandoned early,life crashin
mind spinnin, lil boy full grinnin, never consumed passion
instinctivly left all for pass, was insuperable of any mast
reigned for greatness, infatuated with highway of fast
was truant for every class, never afraid of any authority
person after person pleaded him to slow, was #1 priority
destined for inevitable death, but swiftness consumed
day by day only seemed faster, yet he still prosumed!!
assumed the meaning of it was conquer, cuz no1 cared
spared several times of deaths breath, yet still dared
curiousness grew as time concealed everything there
mare concern for his own destiny, but headed..where?
shot for shot he took 11, escaping every1 but barely
older but no1 to trust, even doctors cared very rarely
he thinks "ill make it myself, he then lifted into the sky"
first girlfriend appeared, alls good, time seemed to fly by
the adrenaline of the fast life was what he had lived for
Bachlors degree...then he was THE lawyer threw the door


Friday,rancid night, when he found her,hung from a crane
He climbed atop, & shot himself..welcome to the fast lane


my links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248709
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=241887

up for some feed please

I like this piece from you homie.I really like the storyline that went with the piece.And also you had good Imagry and emotion in this piece too.Also you had a good stucture and good use of your vocabulary.When I read this piece from you I could picture what was goin on in my head.But overall I would have to give this piecea 9/10 cuz that shit was straight dope.Keep up the good work homie hope to see more soon.

thanks for the feed...amd ill get at one of your links real soon

pure dopeness and i expected it from u good story line creativity and imagery. vocab and structure was real good. nothing more to say i just be repeating what vafinest said so yeah 9/10

thanks for the feed yall

Nice peice on this..Put me into the mind of your character with action words an descriptions...good imagery and ur emotion was slightly lackin but decent...Structure was good and vocabulary was basic but fit with yout allround peice...overall i'd give this peice a 8.2 for mindset emotion and imagery...

Hit my Peice..Forbidden Thoughts..

done

His pain, disruptive noise flow grains through his name
heads bow in shame, yet appreciate blood in his veins
^ coo... nice appearance.

Disrupted order of fashion, abandoned early,life crashin
mind spinnin, lil boy full grinnin, never consumed passion
^ s'okay.
instinctivly left all for pass, was insuperable of any mast
reigned for greatness, infatuated with highway of fast
^ alright.
was truant for every class, never afraid of any authority
person after person pleaded him to slow, was #1 priority
^ coo
destined for inevitable death, but swiftness consumed
day by day only seemed faster, yet he still prosumed!!
^ presumed, I assume... still, coo.
assumed the meaning of it was conquer, cuz no1 cared
spared several times of deaths breath, yet still dared
^ dope
curiousness grew as time concealed everything there
mare concern for his own destiny, but headed..where?
^ yeah, keep goin'.
shot for shot he took 11, escaping every1 but barely
older but no1 to trust, even doctors cared very rarely
^ indeed. felt.
he thinks "ill make it myself, he then lifted into the sky"
first girlfriend appeared, alls good, time seemed to fly by
^ true.
the adrenaline of the fast life was what he had lived for
Bachlors degree...then he was THE lawyer threw the door
^ aight.


Friday,rancid night, when he found her,hung from a crane
He climbed atop, & shot himself..welcome to the fast lane
^ mediocre ending.

My only advice: Be more explanatory, and share more emotion in your writing. Like, your multis are all there, but make them make perfect and simple sense, that is so commonly known but also very appreciated. Nah means? Good job by the way. Nice read.

i think its a bit dry, bring some emotions into it. u had a good strucure, but i couldn't feel it.

LMAO ummm ok....up for feed please

up for more feed

up for more feed

mayne i liked dis shit... liked how u set it up and da story u put wit it... nice shit mayne... keep it up

You had a decent topic with a solid narrative and decent vocab. I think you should gone into more depth with your imagery and added some multi's to help the flow along. It was a perfectly readable OM and i didn't lose interest. An original topic is always a good thing.

Keep posting, keep elavating.