Firday,December 17th 2004:A Lost Gift

Friday December 17th 2004,Body below my feet as i watch on the floor
Loved one adored,Life taken away as soon as she walked thru the door
I take a long breath,try to find out the this undescribible feeling
Blood on floor,and screams so hard,enuff to break thru the ceiling
I can imagine the screaming,the gasping for the last breath
Wondering what was going thru her mind,and what she had left
I hear the camotion,yet i want to feel deaf,and all alone
How am i going to live life,without this woman,coming home
I try to block all the chaos,walk towards the house like a man
Only to be crying un-controlably,losing a gift right from my hands
Where my future will land is what wont stop thru my mind
What will happen in time,and will this crime all just be fine?
Look at the tree wit a slight glance,in advance theres no chance
That this gift will ever be returned,no one can bring her back to stance
Open the gift i was given,from my beloved one,slowly and tenderly
Looking i find a ring carrying simply a photo of her and me
I open the door,look right outside,Feeling of wind sends chills
Use to to be mad at gifts i never wanted myself,as a child
Now i know what it feels...A gift that came to me by destiny
Lost but can never be found,but the love will still stay in me
I walk up the block,trying to find a good meaning for my place
And walk thru the sunset,with tears just dropping down on my face......

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...5&page=1&pp=15
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...8&page=1&pp=15

Nice Sig, If It Had A Border I'd Rock It However Since It Doesn't Dont Rock That Shit Man

:mad:...@ u for not posting ur OM's in crew works...

Dope i'll leave feed later

Dis Shits Dope, No Bullshit......Feelin Every Line, Da Storyline Was Real & Da Rhyme Scheme


9.5/10 <--Word

multies i noticed were very good....i liked it a lot
flow was smooth and strucutre was even...about perfect
vocab was pretty good not too complex but still good
dope peice.....topic was cool..i liked it...it was creative
nicely done....rhymes were good and it showed
good drop...overall 9/10...keep it up...peace

Multi's Weret Great,Flow Was Ok Could've Been Better.
What I Liked Was The Topic,Nothing Fake,All Real.
WordPlay Was Decient.....

Good Drop 7-8/10

-Teer

decent decent..........i see your using multies but like teer said it could've been betta in many areas your not show'n your full potential as a topical head but your get'n there
more emotion is need and some more imagry but this is a good one i tell ya that homie im impressed by your progress

^Thank you all for the feedback.I appreciate it alot.

I take the opening line that she is buried. When the speaker tries to find the indescribable feeling, I took the following line as a flashback.
What will happen in time,and will this crime all just be fine?
This line, with the mention of "crime" made me wonder if the speaker was the murderer. It's not made clear, even with the love that is noted, if he in fact did it, the story I feel is more interesting.
The focus put on the gift was good. First as a comparison to the wife/wife's love, and then as an actual gift.
At some parts I felt the wording was slightly awkward:
Where my future will land is what wont stop thru my mind
and
I hear the camotion,yet i want to feel deaf,and all alone
The first one is worded poorly because of the necessity to rhyme, and have "mind" finish the line. The second line, I didn't like the pause after the word "deaf". The phrase "all alone" didn't fit there for me.

this was decent, dont have much more to say

That was good. Great story tellin and you had amazing emotion. I could feel the tears in that and the shock. Good use of vocab and structure. Im not much of a fan of small font but ya flowed well and ya doin well. Keep it up.

good flow

Rise for more feedback.