Mistakes of Mankind

Can you tell me why innocent people die
Why the guys that try to comply get fried alive
It’s a contrived way of living
A world where citizens get shot for giving
and the innocent are living in prison
Listen! It’s a government system seriously wrong
They say, ‘unite as one’ yet they still drop bombs
They’re breaking bonds, making war for one reason
A super power needs to be seen as leading
So they leave you believing they’re doing it for you
Pursuing a free world ruled by one less than two
It’s a dictatorship’s grip chipping away at the glue
Molding relationships with tools designed to subdue
Its Mankind in a stew, blinded by false facts
Being grinded down to feed the fat cats…
The top hats, the bureaucrats sitting on their ass
Laughing at the masses for being so naïve
They don’t ask questions, they simply believe
Deceived into perceiving the government’s right…
Just cos one achieves power, don’t stop the fight
Reunite, strike, adhere to the morals of man
don’t fear, persevere and make a stand
Cos if a Gov’ ain’t revered it clearly shouldn’t rule the land
It doesn’t deserve to command or serve the nation
It should observe the congregation…
And take into consideration the needs of its patrons
Cos the worlds aching, breaking apart at the seams
Machines of mayhem are taking away future dreams
Its gone from steam to electric to nuclear fiends…
Now its just accepted that we’re split into teams
Which means a press of the button and its all caput
No more world, just space dust…
Basically the rat-race has ensured… we’re fucked!


[dont tell me i need more multi's]

yes but it could do with a few more multis for real.. it just makes it more interesting to read so swallow it

also the flow here was inconsistant or maybe its the structure w/e
plus i think it shuda been broken into 2 verses maybe given a chorus/hook to solify the concept...plus i'd say the vocab could be strenthened..


the internal rhymes was ok..you stayed on topic tho i think you could of approached it in a more original matter.. as everybody touches on these issues butm its about adding originality...

had some good worplay littered towards the mid/end of verse..
ok nits aside.. in fact i think the lasy 6 lines was probaly the best coz thats where it started getting dope but unforunately after that its the end
was decent tho


check out my OM if you can be bothered if no
Goodbye

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=240231

ok, soz but im sick of this, and your the first to reply so you get it.... to start with it dont need more multis, its not an 'audio' and never will be, second if you look at my past OM's like before you even joined, i did all that complexity, im in OM hall of fame just about more than anyone, every month for a year... the vocab dont need to be strengthened, its not about vocab its about meaning and emotion and messages... so sorry i disagree with all you said and im sure anyone else on my level here will agree... thnx for the input tho... ill hit yours soon

well of course multies are just an option and the be all ane end all
but i'd hasten to add multies are not just for audio.. they can look damn good on paper or pc screen
and it shows a mastery of rhyming if executed properly

anyway im just in a critical mood today if you get me im not dissing or nothing

your joint is better than 98% of the crap on this page anyway

i also ignore a lot of advice given me... and just elevate on my own accord in my own time ...so w/e

pz

wordplay was off in my opinion... multis were lacking the meaning wasnt though i like your mindstate when you write this came out well enough but does need some minor polishing.

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics you've replied to with decent feedback or this will be closed. I know you know how Dev.

the flow wasnt too good, wasnt feelin this too well, try to elevate with your vocab because it wasnt too on point neither was your flow but the topic i wa sfeelin that, you made a good point and it speaks about how shit is in the world but get your flow together

return the favor on my mic
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=242018

what a load of gay boys the OM forum has spawned... wordplay? multies? wtf? dont you people know what you are reading? its a OPEN MIC.. the very meaning of the title means ANYTHING GOES... so why does he need wordplay? so your thick ass doesnt even get it? what would be the point? and multies? he HAD multies.. just not the same blah de blah, blah de blah structure you all use... honestly.. get a fucking brain before dropping feedback.. .coz what you guys really did is type any old bollocks so your shitty pieces wouldnt get closed by the mods....

this was nice, flow was off in some paces, but otherwise dope, the imagery was almost perfect and topic was real deep

stay up and peep "A Quieter Realm"

upp...

[ill get the links sorted out soon]

dope flow & immagery...

lmao at com being offended by the newbs.. /=

The concept was nothing new but you added in some nice lines to the piece which grabbed my attention. I was feeling the first four bars just too basic for me. But then you picked it up and had some nice imagery in the verse nothing over the top because i think the imagery needs to be level in a piece like this if you go over the top it makes it look corny. Some of the lines have been said a million times before but i really like this line:
'Reunite, strike adhere to the morals of man'
'Dont fear persevere and make a stand'

Best line to me but you had others, a lot of talk in here about flow multies etc, when i write my verses i put in a lot of multies or a lot of syllable Rhyming for the fucks wo dont know. This piece didnt have a lot of syllable rhyming but it was strong on imagery so i liked it for that. Keep Writing but a more original topic would suit your next piece it would give you more to work with. Return the feed on my new Om:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=243081

I seen the pieces you left feedback on.

But this was a good piece man. I havent read anything of yours for a few months, nice to see you back :)..I really liked this piece, the way it read well was so good, i kinda rapped it out when i was reading it lol it flowed very nicely...I liked the message you put through in this piece, something that stands out...I dont see why people tell you that you need to add multies to this piece, i found several just reading it...Very nice, theres nothing Bad to say about this really, i really enjoyed it man, You surely have NOT lost your touch ;)...Dope Piece My Man!!!!!!!

this was very good....i liked the topic, i was feelin it highly, it is creative and different

its nice to see sum good Oms once in a while....rhymes were really good, same with

vocab and complexity....it was very well used and i got to say you got sum lyrical skillz

flow was smooth..even strucutre..nicely done ..good drop....overall 9.7/10..keep it up

peace

this was very good....i liked the topic, i was feelin it highly, it is creative and different

its nice to see sum good Oms once in a while....rhymes were really good, same with

vocab and complexity....it was very well used and i got to say you got sum lyrical skillz

flow was smooth..even strucutre..nicely done ..good drop....overall 9.7/10..keep it up

peace

^same..i agree