4 little sis

I CAN'T TELL U WHAT TO DO HOMEGIRL UR GROWN NOW. I HEARD ABOUTCHU,STICKIN NIGGAZ,RUNNIN WILD. IN THESE STREETS LIKE WOW.GOD BLESS UR CHILD, AND AS FAR AS GETTIN PAID,I KNOW U KNOW HOW. IN THESE UNCERTIN TIMES THAT WE LIVE IN, TOO MANY SNAKES IN THE GRASS SCHEMIN LIKE ROBBIN GIVENS. KEEP UR HEAD UP,EVERYTHING WILL GET BETTA. KEEP COLLECTIN CHEDDA,HOLD IT DOWN LIKE WHATEVA. WHOEVA TRY TO PLAY YA,MAKE HIS GAME ALITTLE DEADA WITH THE CROME BARRETA TUCKED UP UNDER THE SWEATA. NEVER LET POVERTY CLAIM DEFEAT, UR A TRUE THUG IF U KNOW HOW TO EAT OFF THESE STREETS. I KNOW U GOT DREAMZ SO ADMIT IT. WHAT UR LOOKIN 4 IS WAITIN 4 U SO GO GET IT. I SEE U STILL GRINDIN,U WANNA STRAIGHT BUBBLE. I PROMISE THERES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS DARK TUNNEL. USE UR TALLENTS OR WHATEVER GOD BLESSED U WITH. IT TAKE MORE THAN HARD WORK JUST TO TRY TO BE LEGIT. UR READY 4 THE WORLD SO THEN GO, U KNOW UR TIME IS TICKIN,SO TELL ME WHAT UR WAITIN 4? LET ME GET SUM FEEDBAK........ONE!!!! :flipoff: :cussing: :nerd: :laugh:

Decent....upgrade your structure and dont nursery rhyme

I Can Dig It...........uppin 4 More Feed.

It was hard to read, you have to fix your structure up...add some vocab, and try to put the reader in the narrators shoes...make him guess what is coming next. You know, almost like a story cept wit lrhymes, its easy...get that down pact and you got the basics

yeah hard to read seperate it I thought it was good though

okay heres some real advice

ur structure is pretty fucked up. try to make ur lines like this

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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instead of making it a big paragraph, that brings together all the flow and shit like that. i can tell u havent been writing long so its ok but if u want to improve start using some more complex words and use multies....those bring the flow together.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by D-LITE-1

I CAN'T TELL U WHAT TO DO HOMEGIRL UR GROWN NOW.
I HEARD ABOUTCHU,STICKIN NIGGAZ,RUNNIN WILD.
IN THESE STREETS LIKE WOW.GOD BLESS UR CHILD,
AND AS FAR AS GETTIN PAID,I KNOW U KNOW HOW.
IN THESE UNCERTIN TIMES THAT WE LIVE IN,
TOO MANY SNAKES IN THE GRASS SCHEMIN LIKE ROBBIN GIVENS.
KEEP UR HEAD UP,EVERYTHING WILL GET BETTA.
KEEP COLLECTIN CHEDDA,HOLD IT DOWN LIKE WHATEVA.
WHOEVA TRY TO PLAY YA,MAKE HIS GAME ALITTLE DEADA
WITH THE CROME BARRETA TUCKED UP UNDER THE SWEATA.
NEVER LET POVERTY CLAIM DEFEAT,
UR A TRUE THUG IF U KNOW HOW TO EAT OFF THESE STREETS.
I KNOW U GOT DREAMZ SO ADMIT IT.
WHAT UR LOOKIN 4 IS WAITIN 4 U SO GO GET IT.
I SEE U STILL GRINDIN,U WANNA STRAIGHT BUBBLE.
I PROMISE THERES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS DARK TUNNEL.
USE UR TALLENTS OR WHATEVER GOD BLESSED U WITH.
IT TAKE MORE THAN HARD WORK JUST TO TRY TO BE LEGIT.
UR READY 4 THE WORLD SO THEN GO,
U KNOW UR TIME IS TICKIN,SO TELL ME WHAT UR WAITIN 4

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From now on kid set your shit up like this....its easier to read....as far as the piece you need alot of work kid.....I get how you tryin to pull some Pace keep ya head up type shit...but u aint pull it off at all.....rhymes are way to simple.....but beyond jus that....it just doesnt seem real....seems like you just writin to write.....try using vivid metas and worplay in emotional drops to add imagery....gives it some sort of depth

Next time leave 2 links to 2 open mics pieces you've left decent feedback on. And get some serious elavation before you post again because this is garbage enough for me to close on sight. Read the rules.

Closed.