The Enemy Within

the open is a conflict with the two people in urself lawful and evil i was rappin this listening to the instrumental "Ante Up" by MOP but also goes good with instrumental "say goodbye to yesterday" by Non-Phixion

lawful

dont-think-thoughts of pain and madness
only thing that can result is ya inner sadness
drop fools with ya words and not ya mad fists
that will bring you to the path of pure happ-i-ness

this is the good side of underground flava
this fuckin rap will make yall change ya behavior
youll all be reminissin that im the lights savior
my words in the end will be the thing that'll save ya

black-ened skies is not the lifes way for sure
that path will be the one to kill you with cancer
the light will pierce the darkness like a fuckin lancer
in the end you'll find out that the light is the answer

evil

i live in depths of ya darkest thoughts
the guy that eats the parts of ya body when it rots
my fuckin fists have the intension to give you blood clots
ill cut ya throat and then ill fuckin play connect the dots

the demons in ya head where no one can see
if you only know i exists who the fuck can defeat me
sub-conciencely telling you to go a fuckin killing spree
killing yourself is the only way you can surely be free

at the time in your life where you feel like you should fry
im not gunna feel sorry for you i wont even cry
you cant even talk to me i wont let you try
cuz im one from the beggining who sed you should fuckin die

im feeling this right here, first the flow and structure is good, i like the concept and idk about the beat choice guess you gotta hear it to see if it fits, i think you can use a little more creativity with the lines and rhymes but other then that im really feeling this right here ~props bro~

yo pplz hook me up wit sum feed back

critic this plz

yo help me out and critic this

yo this shit is hot i like it dark yo keep it bro

This was a decent verse, the concept was real original but you didnt do the good concept justice. Your vocab was ok but your imagery wasnt dark or descriptive enough to make this piece stand out to me. Your flow was also basic there was no multies/internals so your verses lacked complexity.
If you want to improve try and come up with another original concept take your time in crafting the verses try and switch your vocab and wordplay up so your rhymes dont get repetitive also work on your syllable count so your flow will improve. This will help your pieces become more complex.
This will help people give you better feed on your verses.
Keep Writing Keep Posting

Return the feed on my new OM id appreciate it:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=235527

sweet man ur rhymes and flow are all present n correct

your some body wanna be in my gang

ur imagery was ite...ur concept was cool and ur origanly whas good....only bad part was ur vocab ...use some better selection with that and it'll give u some more complexity in ur drop....flow was good and also mite have been a lil better with multis to add some new ish to ur flow...but over all it was good famm

yo thanks for the feed back ill try to elevate using the tips you've given anymore feedback keep'em coming

yo all hit me up wit sum feedback