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!!! A Nobody !!!
Feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...508#post3149508
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...743#post3147743
This is a verse i done a while back and thinking about doing some more for it.
check it out.
He’s a lonely guy, sixteen with a cold glare,
A bold stare, told fair to leave but go where,
No care for life, left wit a black bag for a sack of clothes,
And a backpack with a strapped hat and half a roach,
Laughed at by most, people call him a drifter,
No job, just a caravan and hauled from every picture,
Preys to lord to stop this stricture, and change the purpose to his birth,
Thinking how much pain he’s suffered since he was surfaced on this earth,
The first words he blurts in a word search is this hurts,
Ripped shirts, torn clothes and a walkman’s all he posses,
A pen that he blesses as he writes between the lines,
Damp rhymes books a stress ball as he kicks and screams in rhymes,
Writing’s what he leans on when he finds,
Time to unwind and let the ink touch paper,
His heart flows through his pen, his mind elevates and thinks greater,
He blinks and makes the, tears fall, reveals his pain and misery,
Hundred percent in every word coz in this game nothings given free,
Aint no easy delivery, to fame he gota make it on his own,
No-ones there to carry him incase he gives up breaks or folds,
So he keeps his eyes on the prize seeing himself one day take the gold.
What you guys think, do u reckon i should keep going coz' i mite turn it into audio.
Feedback plz
Peace :D
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The rhymes probably stand out the most. Some alright mutli syllable rhyming and internals. I felt the beginning more. With the story, I was more intrigued when his writing wasn't involved. At that point I could see where the piece would lead. You could make this into an audio, take a creative route on anything extra that you put into it.
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aww.. this was very serious. i loved your topic, you ahd a good flow the rhyming was impressive. this is something many can relate to and thats good though. the vocab was okay, nithing too big but it was still nice, loved the concepts of your verse. nothing bad to say about it keep ya head up.
hit my piece up thatz in my sig, i'd apprecite it
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That was hot homie.
You stayed on topic.
I love multies and you killed those.
Kept my attention from 1st bar to last.
Yeah, you should keep goin and turn that into somethin. With the right beat that could be crazy!
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audio
now that in a audio would be off the wall
the rhymes in that piece would sound mazing on audio
the flow structure it was all there hit me up when it on speaker
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thnx alot peeps, appreciate the feed.
keep em comin :D
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Ne more feedback plz guys?
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pretty nice i like the flow and the content is interestin enuff to keep me going.. some rhymes seemed to get a bit forced t'ward the middle " scream in rhymes.. blla blah...and thinks greater seemed a bit rushed..nice drop tho.. multies on point n shit..
good rhyming
keep up
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Thnx for the feed bro.
uppin
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the beginning is on point...i like the multi's and the imagery that goes with it....it has a nice harmony....you start to loose me @ the end tho...i thought it wasnt as good as how ya piece started out.....re-eval the intensity you came wit in the first few lines...and then think about movin forward with this....
igido
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Thnx bro, yeh i always seem to strt beta than end, sumthin im wrkin on.
uppin
