Paranoid Thoughtz

its quarter past 4 in the mornin- i cant sleep
thoughts are deep, who the fuck said count sheep
im knee-deep in debt, three g that i cant get just yet
so now im gettin wet with sweat
and i bet even when i get to clean the slate
i still get clapped 4 bein late
u mite think fleein the estate would seem great
you must'nt be seein straight, your livin in a dream state

in reality, one wrong move results in fatality or severe battery
right now i hope i fit into the lata catagory/ i've only got til saturday to formulate a strategy
2 get the shit paid out before i get laid out
do i give up just like that? or shall i just fight back
live like a coward?, fuck it bam bam will bite back

whether im right or wrong, i cud not care less
fuck kevlar im goin at them with a barechest
and get wot i got cummin AM I FUCK runnin!!
rather go up in smoke like the philly that im bunnin

2 BE CONTINUED.....................

Bah

it lacked complexity and a solid story line set but on the otherhand u flowed good without making horrible sense. u have more then alotta rappers, but u got less then alot of em to. holla @ cha boy

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vylint

Bah

it lacked complexity and a solid story line set but on the otherhand u flowed good without making horrible sense. u have more then alotta rappers, but u got less then alot of em to. holla @ cha boy

---

I agree it did lack some things like you could of upd your vocab alot and made this pretty deep. Also i wasn't really feeling the rhyming scheme either. In future put more into your vocab and dont try an over rhyme your piece or it might sound weak homie, but overall keep it up. It has potential and i can see that in your piece!

I could blaze all the weed that I think I need, but it will never set me free.
Only hinder me, and damage the versatility of my mouthpiece.
See I could mourn on and on, but it will never sharpen my metaphorical form, only dull it a little bit more.
It's the loss of braincells result of my substance war.
Of course, I'm trying to move on.
But shit ain't that easy, imagine waking up to sunshine, while inside you're freezing.
Thinking about the next twelve hours and suddenly you're feinding.
Needing releasing, seeking anything other than reality - reaching for appeasing.
I ran into an obstacle, with a nametag that reads 'fear'.
And it's clear, I'm afraid of those that stay distant, afraid of those that get near.
See the black cloak around my shoulders?
That means STEER CLEAR.
In one instant I could look you in the eyes and tell you:
The End Is Here.

Just droppin some realness

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bk-barbie

I could blaze all the weed that I think I need, but it will never set me free.
Only hinder me, and damage the versatility of my mouthpiece.
See I could mourn on and on, but it will never sharpen my metaphorical form, only dull it a little bit more.
It's the loss of braincells result of my substance war.
Of course, I'm trying to move on.
But shit ain't that easy, imagine waking up to sunshine, while inside you're freezing.
Thinking about the next twelve hours and suddenly you're feinding.
Needing releasing, seeking anything other than reality - reaching for appeasing.
I ran into an obstacle, with a nametag that reads 'fear'.
And it's clear, I'm afraid of those that stay distant, afraid of those that get near.
See the black cloak around my shoulders?
That means STEER CLEAR.
In one instant I could look you in the eyes and tell you:
The End Is Here.

Just droppin some realness

---

You need to be reported to a mod dipstick read the rules and stop free-posting your wack shit in this forum!

*goes back to reading decent post*

look u got flow but it seems like your tryin to add more words than need.You also need to extend your vocab. if your gonna do a piece like that.Your structure was a lil off also just work on ya flos a lil more cause i wasnt really feelin it