"She sits alone"

This girl sits all alone in a mist of a internal deadly inferno,
she Knows no friends so she writes Dreadfully in her journal,
Tears roll down her eyes and she had anticipated that very motion
dreams swell up like potions and tatics become meaningless notions
She grips her pen tightly and steady her walks as if she had a choke foot
and regardless all the looks she countinues to talk in her personal notebook
She sits alone, on an angle ,like paul wall, sittin sideways she so emotional
plans to get a start on life;then she finds out her dreams were just notional
but nothing else behind these dreams existed,
So she has no other choice but to stay dreadfully alone and always twisted
I have seen the cry of the needy and yet we acually never really,
Accepted the crys as invotations to come and save the weak and the needy
Do our hearts really linger the compasion that has once existed on our world
Do we really have the hatred to not ackownelge one little lonely girl?
I oppose all acceptance of us not being able to let our hearts rome,
Big girl..................Big girl.....................Does she really sit alone?



This is noting against fat people either its something deeper
so please dont think the wrong idea
~1~

uppin
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230434
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=220293

uppin

uppin

I thought the first line was overly dramatical, with how you described it. The Paul Wall line didn't fit in with the tone of the piece. It's good that you tried to work wordplay in, but it didn't go with the subject for me. I don't like when the line lengths run into the next. You showed potential though, continue writing and being descriptive.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230304

Thanxs
oooooupin

dats sum nice thing goin on there...keep it up!! peace!! :D

flow was nice and so was the concept.....good drop

uppin

aight yo this was a nice topic first of all pretty original. ur rhyme scheme was very good u dont need to improve on that its pretty much advanced/intermediate etc good job. ur flow was really nice and showed some potential. great job on flow. structure was good. not to be dissing ur piece, but maybe u could make the text smaller that way it would be a little easier to read. i liked some of ur vocab it was great. wat i didnt like was that u used "notion" "notional" and u should have tried to find a synonym for notional just so it wouldnt sound sort of repititve. but i really liked opening lines. it was the best in my opinion. great job by the way keep it up

uppin

...

need ta fix up ya word play rhyming is one thing........... makeing it all fit together is tha hard part ,..ya know where it takes some one along wit tha pitcture your tryin ta describe shit aint easy its something ta be worked on,.........we all elevate 1 way or another,.......................yo peace

uppin

ok you had a nice topic and flow throughout the piece but there are some lines i didnt like:

I have seen the cry of the needy and yet we acually never really,
Accepted the crys as invotations to come and save the weak and the needy
^^You shouldnt use a rhyme word twice like that in 2 consecutive lines it throws off the flow
She sits alone, on an angle ,like paul wall, sittin sideways she so emotional
^^I can see your atleast using metaphors but this doesnt really fit into the piece, and also you should have put the comma after sitin sideways instead of where u did put it. commas can even throw off the flow

over all this piece was ok. the topic was nice and original so good job on that. structure couldve been better but it was fine overall. keep droppin and elevating...oh and i see how u used some multies this time at the beginning so good job on that.

Please check out 1 of my oms n my sig. thanx