Suicidal failure

Suicidal failure






Dim light showers the shapes of the cursed room,
Such a grim sight..like a baby just burst from a womb..
Within the night..unleashed demons still loom,concealed in the silence,
But the dim light blooms,just to reveal the violence..
..
..
Crimson nails carve my story into the stained walls,
Childhood tales are chained to the halls of this forsaken place,
Drained my spirit crawls and pained it recalls the disgrace,
The disgrace of being abused and hurt by hellish teachers,
My thoughts were confused and inert because of those devilish creatures,
Bruised with blood on my shirt at the orphanage,i endured..
..Full of repressed demons inside..i cried..i died..
..eventually matured in an obscure life..denied of innocence,
Hence this immense hatred when my demons were revived..
..
..
A medieval sword shivers in my hand as i sneak into the night,
Reward shall be delivered under the cloak of weak light,
Those evil hoards shall pay,blood shall be spilled tonight,
In the morning their bodies will decay,revenge shall shine bright.
..
..
He goes in the office of the principle...There his principal and asistant were sleeping,the same two that abused him.
..
..
Die,demons,die...
He cuts off the assistant's head while screaming,
Blood cascades on the floor,just as he've been dreaming,
In and instant jumps in the principal's bed heavily breathing,
And while he's heavenly pleeding for his life,
The blade shreds its chest..
..then leaves him bleeding with the blade inside to find his rest..
..
..
"My past life was a suicidle failure",he wrote in that cursed room,
Now at last he's alive, just like a baby who burst from a womb..

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pretty solid man....i liked tha imagery first of all....very tight emotion...good wordplay and complexity...vocab was on point...structure was tight and you were creative...all in all very dope...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

thanks..up

Always with the upbeat subject matter right K9? lol. Good work man, the structure of this piece was kind of broken which matched the imagery you used perfectly. You conveyed the charecters suffering and depp desire to inflict violence of the 'demons' who tormented him. Your vocab, as ever, was strong as an iron bar to support the imagery of the piece. Your rhymne scheme was interesting too.

Good work, keep reppin' us right, you've GOT to be in the next crew collab.

Def Poets- bringing you illness like a contageous plague victim

Yeh, this was good. Kinda different from Im used to from you, but I liked that fact. 2bh, I didnt really understand the twist, I think you could of expressed stronger on that. But your wordplay and flow were way above par, the whole 'like a baby who burst from a womb' was very strony and the imagery was flawless on that part, I liked this piece man, i just didnt get it in some points. Still strong, just not my favourite of yours my good man, though this is another interesting piece and deeply disturbingly strong as hell, You are a talented writer and even though this wasnt the best, its better than imo 85 percent of people here.

Be easy man,
peace

when i get back i will leave some detailed feed on this. remind me. i just wanted to let you know that this is written very well sir. the imagery on this was incredible. absolutly brillant at times. however i did get a little thrown at times also. i dunno maybe you are just too smart for me. good ish non the less my friend. i will leave longer feed when i have more time

nice pice yo mos def that dopish ish
delivered in a poetic manner with a melange of languge
internal rhymes was tight.. and wow thats a crazy twist at the end


shud it be the blade cut his chest?


fuck it the imagery was awesome.. suspense thriller meet horror ish
keep em poppin
pz

rtf-

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219929

Nice piece right here. Really good. Imagery was real good and da emotion was. Good vocab 2. Nice flow + structure. Keep writin. RTF on da llinks in my sig.

Good drop I liked the double rhyming you used in a couple of lines. The imagery you used was this pieces' strongest point. The vocab wasn't too complex, but sometimes too much complexity kills the flow. It had a good story and topic, it was dark and interesting. My favorite part was the action towards the end of the piece, it was descriptive and well structured. Keep writing

Thanks for the feeds everyone.apreciated.

u descibe the Settin very clearly
i could picture myself in that place and the verse itself was
good rhymin wise as well and writing wise
i really like it
good drop
peace