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The Living Ghost
The world is grey to my eyes, even the morning sunrise,
Living under lifes lies, the deceast I truly depise,
There is no place for me, so I wait for my demise,
Absence of a soul, my body is left to wander,
Why in such a colorless place, I often ponder,
No senses, these plain days are becoming fonder,
A forgotten being, my fate is worse then death,
For to be alone in this world, ill truely never accept,
The price was great to pay for this immortality,
But when everything is gone, its a new reality,
I live and breathe, cursed with this godlike ability,
But if he is so holy, why hasn't he gotten rid of me,
I feel no pain, but my thoughts harm my mind the most,
Past visions of a full life that could make you boast,
The time has gone, right along with the billions of people,
And it seems so wrong, to look upon, the top of the steeple,
To make amends with the lord, would be a prime event,
And be freed from this earth, which is gravely vacant,
But here, Wishes will be wishes, and facts will stay facts,
because im binded to this world, by the devils contract,
Links-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219513
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219417
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this was good, above average, but nothing great. you didnt explain what you did to become a ghost. you said it was because of the devils contract and you had a past life to boast about, but i wanted to see what you did that was worth giving your soul. i think you really could have expanded on that point and it would have made for a better more creative read. becuase you did not do that your creativity became average for me. as far as rythme and meter, every thing was nice. it read slow becuase you didnt have very many multi's in there, but it was ok as this was a story about a ghost and i usually dont invision ghosts moving quickly. so overall good job easily above average, but there are some aspects you could work on for next time.
peep this collab and drop some feed please.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219372
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^ it was about a man who got imortality by selling his soul to the devil. and aventually everyone died accept him. Hense the Name the Living Ghost.. He was living all alone with no one to see him like a ghost...
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come on yall... this is the dopest thing ive ever wrote... dont sleep on this.
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pretty dope man...i liked all the aspects of this......dopest thing ive seen of yours..very ill... iliked tha concept...it was original...and creative....your wordplay and your vocab..very ill...i liked this piece...could have been a little longer and a little more elaborated on..all in all dope piece...peep tha piece in my sig called ~dark green woods~...id appreciate it.~1~
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Lemme break this down...
Concept: okay, I'm feeling the concept you went with here but in my opinion you could have gone a bit more into detail. Like explain to us why the person chose to be immortal and such, how the transition with the devil and all went. Those are some things I would have liked to see added because it would add something extra I think to your piece.
Emotion: the emotion was there although it could have been more indepth if you had elaborated on certain things a bit more. I love how you show us inside information on what the person is going through which makes it easy for the readers to place themselves in the situation. Your wordings are not too emotional or mushy, you keep this sort of mystery to it at the same time.
Imagery: it is not so much an imagery piece as in where you are really telling a vivid story. I felt you used imagery and you used different pictures to express the emotions the person is coping with you know. And I loved that aspect because it is not always that clear, it gives the piece a sort of poetic vibe which I am very fond of.
Vocab, flow, structure: the vocab was excellent and on point for this kind of piece, it was kept quite simple yet had some complexity at the same time. It was simple without giving the impression of being basic you know. The structure was okay, flow was good because you had short lines. If the lines get longer you might add some internal rhyming to improve your flow.
Hope this helped you in a way...
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^ thank you alot, i like detailed feed so i can see wat to bring yall next time.
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This was a cool little read, your vocab use was nice...and it made it a bigger attractment to the readers. Although i was confused on the storyline....your flow was on point and it helped me picture the read in my head, a mmbrane image of the story. Just try and brush up the story line and it would be better. GL
Pz
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