In Deep Thought With Deltron (over "Things You Can Do")

I'm loaded with 'The Source', dont mean I'm accurate
Hunger in the red, blood thirsty to attack the savages
They roamin' the fields, while riding dicks of executives
Consecutive ignorance from their mouths, and I'm sick of it
I'm living five years within the warbound millennium
We trashed innovation, then installed it into Pentiums
And now technology's the key to rap's underground
Radiate the screen, to shake the earth with a swift sound
Making rounds, when spinnin' vinyl just to break the silence
Staying defiant to all the gun talk and spoken violence
We speak inside the thick minds of the shy and muted
Champion of the clueless, consider you undisputed
I heard Diddy with Sparks, was all the same song
'Maybe HE'S been brainwashed', yea by Sean John
Friends blindsided by ambitions of the southern trap
Hopefully they know my five fingers will create a slap
In their face, "Thank you, for that bitter sweet taste"
Now raise your fists and your ugly cups inside the place!!!
Igniting the iced grills for the flaming malfunctions
To abolish the hopeless, polish typical assumptions
To why I spit lyrics with a purpose in the first place
Not to be marketed, cloned, but I alone will raise stakes
So Paul, keep your cold grillin' women to the waist side
Eavesdrop in my conversations, but hell I don't even drive
The next levels melts the truths in with the conscience
And this project starts to demonstrate the progress
In one thousand twenty-five years, I will come back
Catch up wit Del, and make a postive contact
'Cause even when the record skips, I rip to shreds
Til artificial intelligence's filling your empty heads

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=216585
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=216042

I think the problem here is that you don't have a true and clear subject for this entire spit. I mean, it flows well enough, and the rhymes are farily good. Your vocabulary could be extended, that's for sure, and you could possibly do with adding in some more multis, you've got the odd one, but i think more are needed to help it bounce along a little better.
But while all the skills can be mastered... you can have multis, metaphors, punches, everything.... but at the end of the day, i think you need to be SAYING something. And that's what, to me, this piece lacks, maybe i missed something, maybe i didn't read between the lines and see the deeper meaning, i dunno... but to me, i don't quite see the point to the entire 15 bars.

Well here are the good parts, you had descriptive language, good flow, and some even structure in it, and your multi language was well put. From the ending bars of your piece, it's almost like you have some sort of Matrix like thought-pattern, which is wierd. I thought this was a good piece, but it seems that you lost your thought somewhere through it, than picked up again.

Good drop.

ummmmmmmm...i am feeling this fro a few reasons...........................
1) the rhymes were hot and tight homie
2) the topic was kool and enjoyable to read
3) and cuz i like the strucutre how its about even
:) keewp it up and good jobm and return the favor...the linkz are in my sig thx :) and keep droppin yo

Will do and I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the feed. Any more???