The child

The child

Empty feelings recurring, throughout her bewildered mind
Consequential tears trickled, with her emotions she’s confined
The depraved voices echo, they play throughout her mind
She pursues in her darkness, the devil she procedes to find
She made a slit in her arm, in her blood, she would sign her name
she smeared it onto the paper, hesitated as the last letter came
Soul unspoken, Memories broken, her blissful reminiscences wintered
She could feel her silhouette racing, her essence being splintered
Concluding all soul tormenting she crashed towards the oak floor
No more life, distressing, no more men caressing, no pain anymore
Blood prints sunken, deep bottomless within the door casing
laying lifeless, motionless, ex boyfriends portrait she’s facing

ok im quite new to topicals i know this is short sorry but im not sure if it would be worth adding more? anyway leave feed

This was a decent piece, i think you should of made it longer cause it ended just as i was getting into the story.
Obviously your strength is your vocab its above average but you need to use it in a different way, think of a better concept and just take your time thinking of a great story then just write good descriptive imagery and dont overuse your vocab, you havent got to use a load of big words in your pieces to get props. People wanna read a piece and be able to feel what your saying. You need to try and up the flow and add more multies to your verse so they sound smoother when you do audios cause i think the rhymes would sound clunky because of all the big words so work on the flow and your verses will improve. Keep writing.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207296

thanks and upping i returned the feed warchild

I though this was a nice little piece. I liked your use of of vocab, your flows is pretty similar to mine. It was a good subject, I like this type of shit. Maybe work on the emotional side more. Because I know this was ment to hit the spot a little. It did, but it could have hit alot harder. You feel me... Other than that I thought it was pretty decent. Please return the favor and check " Dont Be Fooled " its a little farther down the first page of Open Mic... Keep it up hommie

Sixteen lines minimum. Closed.