See the sunlight

Heres the beat i wrote it to its called ''nas sample''.. http://www.soundclick.com/util/Strea...D=2566540&q=hi

I see the Sunshine ova the drive..
the valley of gods..a plea for a hand to lift the estate ova the cliffside to survive..
n theres nuink capable or worthy to rise..
so many dead faces,to much chest pride on the inside..
u tell me that ya livin fine but wheres ya smile?..
ya pain is SO distinctive even tho u in denial..
ya posture so rigid ya scared to be free..
u mourn wat u used to be in ya..dayz of ecstasy..
u tell yaself u dont kno who u are..
u feel different n vunerable outside unlike the strength u see in ya mirror..
now wheres the freedom wen u live on regrets..
n u struggle to lift ya child to feed on ya breast..
wiv that crack cough deep in ya chest!..
u still wear ya mums cross that she give u asa gift..
u forget sumtimes,used to wait for her to finish her late shift..
but ya tired body would forbid..
surrounded by ya drunk dad n a woman he did..
kept his arms clean n poisons outta his blood..
tho the estate grew like poppy fields thrivin wiv chemical love..


peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=204404
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=203840

this piece was alright...kinda short...it stayed consistent though....your structure was off in places which caused your rhyme scheme to be fucked up a little...your vocab and wordplay were elementary...pretty creative though...keep droppin and elevatin.~1~

^^cheers man, im not tryna do big words, i like it simple n effective, this piece was more of a cry if u kno wat i mean cuz i hate the state were living round here if u picked up on any of the lines u woulda seen it.

30 sumthin views n 1 reply, anyone elsa got anythin to say?

This piece was nice well done pal! For real i liked your rhymes and your vocab was good and on point! It was a lil short i would of like to of red more but i was really getting into it! I think you could of fixed your structure a bit coz it does get baffling when some lines are short and some lines are long! In the future try keep all your lines the same length ok! :thumbup:

yo this was a good piece man, very smart and heart felt. The text was a lil small, maybe it was just my computer, other than that it was a very unique piece. If theres anything I would say you should work on it would be the flow and rhyme scheme, not sayin its bad, but Its the things you should work on most. Great use of imagery and Vocab. 1 Luv

oh yea, dont be a stranger return the favor
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=204729

Um..this was alright..the flow wasent very relaxed, it was almost like the lines were forced, then some lines were really extended. All in all, i liked the topic more than the verse, but, you did a pretty good job describing the emotions you were feeling. My advice would be to add a scene into the story line, like comparing her to a..clouds..ino..and to make this longer..a little too short, but good job
Keep Elevatin'
Pz