You decide

she had a boyfriend, he didnt care for her/
She was in love, and he wasnt there for her//
Her mother died, her dad was incarcerated/
his love fell short, and she went far for hated//
He didnt even show her half his affection/
Inflicted with pain, pained by this afflection/
Looked into the mirror and saw his reflection//
She didnt understand why see someone else?/
Only the guy and God knows if he saw himself//
But he did see himself, just only another him./
he thought he was happy, n nothing could bother him//
but his reflection had a .9 pointed to his brain./
Killed wit a 4 pound bar, heavy rhymes to his frame//
so the reflection pulled the trigger, brains scattered about/
lames battered about, frames tattered without, but his brains splattered about//
just as his girlfriend woke up, she was put back to sleep./
thats somethin to talk about, but most like, whats that to think?//

Please read the rules. You need to post two links, to two OMs you left decent feedback on, or this gets closed. Thanks.

This piece was pretty weak, with this topic you could of made yo vocab alot stronger! This piece i think was rushed an didn't have enough effort put into it! Your srtucture wasn't saying much.In future if you going to do an om you need to concentrate on your topic and express yo self more with useing better vocab which will let it stand out ok!

hmm, this piece was ok, i fink u need to take another look at it, there wasnt much imagery in it n alot of it was to basic, more of a poem than a rap if u kno wat i mean.flows alrite but like matey above sed u need to express yaself more, use more interesting words (not big words cuz who the fuck wants to here a rap wiv half the dictionary in it? innit) but use simlies n shit, u kno, wat they teach u n english at school. but yea keep it up man.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Midniite

hmm, this piece was ok, i fink u need to take another look at it, there wasnt much imagery in it n alot of it was to basic, more of a poem than a rap if u kno wat i mean.flows alrite but like matey above sed u need to express yaself more, use more interesting words (not big words cuz who the fuck wants to here a rap wiv half the dictionary in it? innit) but use simlies n shit, u kno, wat they teach u n english at school. but yea keep it up man.

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lol.....wdf...

*sits and smokes my nicotine as i contemplate tha how simplistic this is*

ths piece was aiight...it was simple though...vocab was elementary....you could have used a better rhyme scheme and better wordplay in my opinion....i thought this was aiight but it could use elevation...has potential..keep droppin and elevatin.~1~