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The Exorcist
The Exorcist
By The Untouchable One
The kid rises from his bed, with a sweaty forehead
He sits straight up, eyes faced dead ahead
Complete darkness engulfs him, as he sits in his bed-
His eyes glare a dark red, and he mumbles a message
Unable to be heard, and sounds somewhat unsure
The red eyes continue to stare,
And beside him appears n' elevated spinning chair
Lightning strikes allowing the window to give light
The rain pounds the ceiling, creating the only noise worth hearing
Thoughts cloud his mind, as if his soul is confined
Prepare the utilities, and wipe them out like a cold disease
Complete the task I commanded U to meet
They are planning Ur death as we speak, trust Ur instinct
They are the demons, kill them....
Kill Them.
The red eyes glare, and the child stands up and breaks his stare
Somewhat unaware, he listens to his clouded thoughts
And flocks towards a cabinet in the corner and reaches for the top
Grabbing a double bladed knife, that glares from the lightning strikes
Beside him lays his baby sister, the infant innocently whimpers
The child places the knife on a table, and approaches the cradle
He grabs her n' places her beside the knife as lightning produces more light
He grabs a cable wire from his side-
And begins to rap it around his sisters neck, so slow and shy
The baby girl gives a soft squeal and a cry
She stole Ur parent's attention, and their love
She turned them against you...now spill her blood
The demon must be parished and defeated
Now show her the way she should be treated...
Kill them.
The infant struggles for her life as the child grabs the knife
He places it on her neck and she gives one last cry as he begins to press
Screams echoe as it injects, and she instantly becomes a bloody wreck
The child rips into the flesh, cutting deeper until death comes into effect
Then he repeatedly jabs the blade into her chest
Blood spouting like a fountain-
A fountain so complex....
A fountain of death.
Be proud of Ur work, U gave her what she deserved
Let the anger burn...because now its Daddy's turn
Be strict and stern...so he shall learn
Burn his body so his flesh melts...and laugh to Ur Urself
They wont be able to defend....Kill Them...
Kill Them.
The child snaps his head to the side
And strokes his knife with his hand...so pale and white
His red eyes meet the stairs, a smirk crosses his face with a glare
The thoughts in his mind...continue to dare-
And its persuasion to despair ignites a flare
Of hatred unexposed yet truth in the youth
With a feeble mind, the child continues to stroke his knife-
Unable to fight the evil thoughts inside...he prepares to take another life
He approaches his father's bed and the man jumps in fright
Only to meet...a flesh wound to the neck from the knife
In shock the father slowly begins to drop
Until hitting the floor with a cry, and meeting a blade into his eye
With no remorse, the child devoirs his father's corpse
As the thoughts in his head become distort
U did my chores, so heinous and brutal of course
U were used to abuse a father and a youth
Ur a murderer...that is the truth
Im disgusted...and will take my leave before I puke
The child drops to his knees in an echoing scream
Behind him... the gruesome and horrific scene
The bodies continue to bleed with aggression
As the child screams and shouts in depression.
Blurred memories of him and his father's glee-
Appear in the form of a dream
No blood, yet complete with happieness n' love
Him and his father trade hugs and share a drink out of a mug
His father ruffles his hair, but nothing rough...a gentle touch
Then his sister slowly fades into the picture
Only soft talk and love between them...no violent mixture
The child, still on his knees, continues to weep
Blood covers his hands and feet, as he trembles in disbelief
He punches himself, and blood forms in his teeth
He punches him self again, and continues to repeat
Until he falls face first creating blood to splash and cover his shirt
U gave them what they deserved...
They couldn't defend...U killed them.
Killed Them.
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hmm...good imagry......you need more advancive vocab.
maybe use a thesaurus.......structure can use a little adjustment, but nuthing major......My number one advice to you is keep trying, and you will get better.
Keep it up.
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I'd give it...8/10. The vocabulary was elementary at best, and the story was okay. Nothing I've never seen before...you see Exorcist movies and stories popping up everywhere. You need one of the following:
1. dictionaries for alliteration
2. thesaurus for uniqueness
3. rhyming dictionary for multis
to improve your shit until you get a good enough vocab. to do it yourself.
Keep dropping, and making you elevate.
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Thanks for the feedback...
Uppin for more...
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This was kinda freaky...and I loved the horror. Great imagery...really deep with the emotion and you did a good job on expression emotions with the dreams and the evil thoughts. Good job...
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'ay i'm feelin' tha imagery, its like i can see whats goin on. what stood out was tha emotion, it gave out lots of feelins. i'd say what u could improve on would be ur rhyme structure, but other then that its good. so keep at it.
*peace and love*
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Thanks for the feedback...
Uppin for more
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I found the peice to be overly simplistic, not only in compesition, but tone, style, and voice. I did have a nice story format, but the scheme and word choice was way too predictable, i knew just about every rhyme group you were going to throw my way, you made this cookie cutter from my stand point. You imagery was there but could have been so much better. diction really lacked in this peice, i found nothing complex or difficult to pull off what so ever. I am not sure what those above me were on when replying, but in my honest opinion, this was average at best. Nothing stood out as ground breaking, fresh or innovative, just more of the same. No solid transitions, no twists that i did not foresee, nothing for me to chew on what so ever, a very stragiht forward, and laid out drop. You could have done so much more with this concept, i mean you just seemed to be going thru the motions of writting, and not trying to capture your aduience with anything intrigueing. blan and very simplistc in voice, it did not appeal to me at all. I did like that you took the time to stray from conventional structure of the body, but still not enough to grasp me, or hold my attention. I felt let down as the end came around, jsut way to basic of a write for me to agree with any of these post above me. Not bad, just not very good in my honesty opinion, i would not give it a HoF nod, so you know there is room for improvment.
