Soldiers Sorrow

Soldiers Sorrow

http://tinypic.com/5vsmzo

a severance of soldiers, evolved a cerebral blur of knowing....
which one’s portray the side, no illusive way of showing
deception of lights glowing, a nebulous trail of blood and tears
grave yard illusions scrutinize, branch out the utmost fears
dawn peers an abundance of soldiers, laying side by side
onyx realm nightmares, bawl on behalf of ones who died
shadowed light tweaks a soldiers eyelids, observing hes woken
sudden shouts to resting infantries, the clarity is outspoken
allies lurking, every tread causes a reticent heart to fall
hastily initiate the light , and discreetly unpause the stall
moving in a way retard, slipping newly washed clothes
with a camouflage hint, safety against the opposing foes
every garment flows, black woodland boots top my shins
assault rifle loads intuition of inhumanity, portraying a sin
longing a win, scrupulous visions while we vacate the tent
buoyant weight prints step, prudent on every stick bent
a heart kept, confronting a impairing sight concealed with maple
trees weep a frigid soldiers vision, every silent move is stable
only seen in fable, beautiful yet molesting, unexpectedly trip
unknown sight ahead, the bloody fingers viciously slip
roaring bullet rip’s, molten led tremors a formers chest
persistent rest lays upon, a soldiers sorrow infects
no seen vest, heaven occupied innocence, guilty feuds brew
life ceased a troop’s remorse, every memory glued
dirt trail’s fused bruises, surgical air strike seen extrinsic
floating misery and iniquity abrade, ready to sink with…..
every hallucination, step, breath and every movement…
control a soldiers duration, not a juncture seems soothing
a war fare conclusion, soon the abhorrence fighting haults
packing belongings was never dismal, still knowing his fault
infantry called, although a last farewell seemed relevant
weeping still I lay the soldiers helmet inside the empty tent..

Deviate - I'll Always Love You
Lord Devious - Red Rum

deception of lights glowing, a nebulous trail of blood and tears
grave yard illusions scrutinize, branch out the utmost fears

decent

shadowed light tweaks a soldiers eyelids, observing hes woken
sudden shouts to resting infantries, the clarity is outspoken

nice

every hallucination, step, breath and every movement…
control a soldiers duration, not a juncture seems soothing

nice vocab


overall nice peice seen it done before but this was nice man
see you yousing pics now under my influence ;)..dope vocab
some very nice vocab indeed flow was nice, structure to
youre still not adding more rhyme schemes in tho thats
your only fault get at me to show you how but overall
a dope drop man liked it alot.

Nice Drop. The vocab was really good, its just something that I felt was missing in this piece, although really well written were the opening and the closing lines. I've seen this topic alot, but you managed to bring out some imagry I havent seen before in a piece like this.

a war fare conclusion, soon the abhorrence fighting haults
packing belongings was never dismal, still knowing his fault
infantry called, although a last farewell seemed relevant
weeping still I lay the soldiers helmet inside the empty tent..

...Priceless.

That last line...I would rate it a 10/10 by its self, it had so much emotion and feeling...I enjoyed the whole thing, but that last line was the most touching. Very descriptive as well, I think the vocab took away from the imagery a little, but it had enough desciption to ceate a good enough image of the setting. The vocab was unbelievable, and the rhyme scheme was that of a lawyer or doctor, in other words, is was that of K...lol. Once again...I cant find anything wrong with it. For the first time in an open mic none of the lines seemed stretched or forced...maybe because the emotion was truly there every line in this piece. Although, the flow was off a little bit in certain places...but that was pretty much it.

Beautiful piece...yet another 10/10

Hit up one of my battles of open mics in my sig...

Thanks man.

Appreciate it.

Bump.

yo ill give this a perfect 10 that was a nice verse keep this shit up
u fo real nigga
10/10 i rarely give these

yeah this was a very good piece
it is well written, well constucted
the flow was tight and the rhyming was off the hook.
yo this can recieve a 10 easly.

Coo'

upp

if your not in ss next season i will get you banned and eat my eye brow yo

word.

im in..............put me in s0n.

wizzord.

upp.

Upppppppp.

uppp bitches.

I liked it alot. Great song.
dirt trail’s fused bruises, surgical air strike seen extrinsic

was a very good and tru line

only seen in fable, beautiful yet molesting, unexpectedly trip
unknown sight ahead, the bloody fingers viciously slip
roaring bullet rip’s, molten led tremors a formers chest
persistent rest lays upon, a soldiers sorrow infects

That was my favorite section. Holy shit at the vocab in this piece. It was so complex, but not in a bad way. At the beginning, I kinda had a difficult time catching onto the flow, just because of the vocab... my tougne would get twisted up, but after your first few bars, I caught on, and it was nice, for the most part. Some spots were off, so the only thing I can really suggest is to work on your rhyme schemes to help the flow, other than that, this was a cool piece. Good descriptions, good emotions. Keep doin ya thing...