Devil's Pie

Devil's Pie
Fresh Prince


Baked under a golden crust of lust
are dark cherries of desire
sinful juices simmering over the Devil's fire
these cherries' pits are throbbing
they beat like metronomes under boiling flesh
stewing in the pie and swelling with mire
until erupting in the heat, splashing bubbles of death
painting the pie's insides with purple on the doughy drapes
flushes of lust evaporate in sweltering sin
but as this purple soup breaks day's light with it's mid-night hue
the death of these black cherries depresses the crust
and pockets of pain escape, bleeding through the sagging flesh
as i draw a slice purple blood oozes over the knife
and portions are ripe with the aroma of decadent decay
i take a bite through the skin of sin as divine wine trickles
intoxicating my chin, i wipe feverishly through a purple grin
i watch as the prose poetry of life cools to the pasty taste of disappointment
lukewarm the sickly stickiness is stopped up
the clotted blood fails to flow when removed from the flames of the devil's fire
and the clouds of my lucid eyes clear as a tear falls and i drop my fork
thoughts of a second portion forgone, desire leaves a sour aftertaste
regret falls from my mouth in the form of a flake of the once golden crust
but now the cool clammy skin that holds the soul of evil
stews in my stomach fueled by the fire of my sins
cooking the deep cherries of desire until they swell and erupt
pregnant with seeds of evil, i've become a chef of death
and as i double over in expiration i wonder how many more walk this Earth
lucid eyes clouded by sin, lips rich with the skin of Devil's pie
1luv.

...elevation

Ugh...elevation, 1luv.

wow...last elevation...1luv.

Man im glad i caught this one before it drifted to the bottom of PS...simply dope, you're word choice is great here and it really makes the imagery vivid, the unusual structure worked well with the centering button thing, overall man i really liked this i thought your imagery and word choice were the showcase of this joint, im nominating man cause its definitely one of if not the best piece i've read this month, nice job homie
-Fiasco

whats up Franklin, you did an awsome job with this poem! It was definatly a very interesting read, but a wonderfully enjoyable one at that. You portrayed such imagery in this that it was seemingly mind boggling. You kept onto the topic extremely well. Another thing that I noticed here was that you didn't flood this poem over with extensive and complex vocabulary words which in the end helped you out a great deal becasue the poem remained easy not only on the eyes, but on the mind as well.

Overall: You did a great j ob with this poem sweetie. And I really couldn't really find anythign that was really wrong with it, so GREAT JOB!


keep droppin



....bless

~*UnO*~

Good stuff, this was one of your drops from last season's poetry league, correct? Word choice was definitely a plus, fairly clear visuals. Wierd poem overall though. I'm not sure if I can decipher the overall message too well. It seems to comment on sinning; gluttony, passion etc. are a focal point of this piece. Your chartacter, I'm not sure who he is, is he you? I couldn't really feel anything for him, whoever he was. One thing that I thought could use some work was your syntax, you didn't take quite enough care constructing each and every sentence. It was a bit like the incoherent ramblings of a madman at times, in all honesty, but maybe that's as was intended. Overall: a decent poem, if a little flawed.

^No it isn't a drop from last season
I was trying to focus on the pie rather than show a complete poem with the eater's reaction, which is why it is devoid of emotion, it was intended to have any. I think that maybe i actually paid a little bit too much attention to each individual line and maybe that stagnated the flow, making it seem incoherent, either way thank you Jek for your criticism, it is often the catalyst for improvement, thank you very much for that, elevation is key, 1luv.

No problem, I remember this title from somewhere though I'm sure.

All good...elevation is key...1luv.

pretty good piece, well descriptive and painted imagry, vocab was pretty decent.....concentrate on meta's a bit more and polish up you're structure a bit, other than that nice piece 8/10

i liked this...

the only thing I'd improve on is the directness of the metaphores. like "dark cherries of desire" you should be able to convey the message of desire through the cherries without saying it verbatum.

regardless of this, i like the imagery of this poem. your wording makes this poem very easy to visualize. overall a good poem. keep up the goodness.

Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism i really appreciate the feedback this one has recieved, 1luv.