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Train Tracks.
http://www.countryconciergellc.com/images/pic_23.jpg
Train Tracks.
A jaded location, faded but to the tracks I was enraptured
Because if the image is distorted, sometimes the message isn’t captured
A thin dew, laced the tracks, faced with that the rails offered as canvas
With a mattress of support..
..not taught, but naturally, nature understands this
Unplanned bliss, a sensation of an untouched creation
Over the tracks formed a crescent of vibrant green plantation
A pure vacation, and even as an infant, so fickle and blind
The night entwined shadows, with shapes to trickle my mind
Refined as a recluse, to produce a place I could call my domain
That place on a simple plain but far from simple and plain
Was I insane?..
..More obsessed, possessed with the feeling it was blessed
And as the day past the night thought me it was ok to be depressed
It relieves stress, this place offered hostility in cool breaths
I use to flirt with the trains..
..Testing God’s ability of death, but what’s left?
Times changed people are deranged now, they weren’t to begin
Nature is beautiful, humans are beautiful on the outside, but ugly within
So I couldn’t hold it in, depressed I need to confess, it nearly killed me
Cause the innocent ones in crime can be the ones left feeling guilty
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An ordinary night, no longer bright as the clouds swallowed the sky
Coached in my favorite spot, viewing heaven but caught hell in my eye
The air was dry, so I could focus on two outlines in the distance
A girl forcing with resistance, but a man out powering with persistence
In an instant, the man striked her with a blow no one could defend
My tongue hit the back of my throat as my spine stood on end
I couldn’t lend help, he kept hitting, testing his physical fitness
As I was forced to pay attention to murder, as a silenced witness
What’s sick is, my minds twisted and I can’t go back
And my wife wants a reason why our kids can’t visit the train tracks
The pain attacks me everyday, for that young girl a sit and pray
And make a promise to my wife, our children ill never let astray.
#1.
#2.
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A jaded location, faded but to the tracks I was enraptured
Because if the image is distorted, sometimes the message isn’t captured
Very nice way of opening this K.
Unplanned bliss, a sensation of an untouched creation
Over the tracks formed a crescent of vibrant green plantation
Really made me think, and dope rhyme scheme.
Overall, A very lenghty, dope piece.
This is what OM needs, dope, consistent drops that K brings.
Just to say it again, this was beautiful.
*nominates it for HOF*
Long live Aesthetic ! :headbang:
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Damn....
very nice man, shit was good
you got multies flying off at all angles lol
So I couldn’t hold it in, depressed I need to confess, it nearly killed me
Cause the innocent ones in crime can be the ones left feeling guilty
^^That was dope
i was liking that alot man highlight of the om for me.
your first 4-6 lines were also nice, i liked how you described the surroundings.
overall this was dope though i enjoyed the read, be sure to hit me up when your next one drops.
word about HOF
w00t
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A jaded location, faded but to the tracks I was enraptured
Because if the image is distorted, sometimes the message isn’t captured
-Nice opener...grabbed my attention right off the bat 8/10
A thin dew, laced the tracks, faced with that the rails offered as canvas
With a mattress of support..
..not taught, but naturally, nature understands this
-OK...6.5/10
Unplanned bliss, a sensation of an untouched creation
Over the tracks formed a crescent of vibrant green plantation
-Nice imagery...I can picture this perfectly in my head 8.5/10
A pure vacation, and even as an infant, so fickle and blind
The night entwined shadows, with shapes to trickle my mind
-Loved the feelin...8.5/10
Refined as a recluse, to produce a place I could call my domain
That place on a simple plain but far from simple and plain
Was I insane?..
-Seemed a little forced...6.5/10
..More obsessed, possessed with the feeling it was blessed
And as the day past the night thought me it was ok to be depressed
-Nice multiez...good feeling...best line yet 9/10
It relieves stress, this place offered hostility in cool breaths
I use to flirt with the trains..
..Testing God’s ability of death, but what’s left?
-Last part of the last line seemed forced, but the testing god was filled with good emotion 7.5/10
Times changed people are deranged now, they weren’t to begin
Nature is beautiful, humans are beautiful on the outside, but ugly within
-AMEN nigga...This line was truth 8.5/10
So I couldn’t hold it in, depressed I need to confess, it nearly killed me
Cause the innocent ones in crime can be the ones left feeling guilty
-U somekind of philosopher? Cuz U speakin the realest on this site...9/10
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An ordinary night, no longer bright as the clouds swallowed the sky
Coached in my favorite spot, viewing heaven but caught hell in my eye
-BEAUTIFUL...I really felt that second line man...9/10
The air was dry, so I could focus on two outlines in the distance
A girl forcing with resistance, but a man out powering with persistence
-OK...7/10
In an instance, the man striked her with a blow no one could defend
My tongue hit the back of my throat as my spine stood on end
-NICE way of showin emotion...VERY GOOD...9.5/10
I couldn’t lend help, he kept hitting, testing his physical fitness
As I was forced to pay attention to murder, as a silenced witness
-Niiice...8/10
What’s sick is, my minds twisted and I can’t go back
And my wife wants a reason why our kids can’t visit the train tracks
-Nice emotion...7.5/10
The pain attacks me everyday, for that young girl a sit and pray
And make a promise to my wife, our children ill never let astray.
-Kinda forced, but still a good closer...7.5/10
SOMEONE NOMINATE THIS!!
Loved the imagery, emotion...along with the multiez in that one bar and the flow was even and good throughout the entire verse. Although, a few, just a few, lines seemed a little forced. But thats bound to happen in any verse. With a little bit more elevation on forcing some lines...you might be perfect nigga.
Overall - 9.5/10
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word to that reply...dope feed thanks man .
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nice drop man....definitely some of the best imagery i've seen in awhile....also alot of nice multies in there....My favorite parts were
right here.....
So I couldn’t hold it in, depressed I need to confess, it nearly killed me
Cause the innocent ones in crime can be the ones left feeling guilty
In an instance, the man striked her with a blow no one could defend
My tongue hit the back of my throat as my spine stood on end
Definitely a nice ass drop man...I'll be lookin forward to ur next om
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aim - Givemeacigar
We are going to collab.
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he will be banned. spoken im down..thanks
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Yeah, that guy was sad man...
And shit, they post better feed here then on RV. :D Maybe I'll have to be more active here.
I'd write a book to review this, but I'm really not in the mood and other people have said it all. For some reason, I give you a 9 when I gave the biter an 8. o.o I'm in a good mood today.
EDIT: Damn rules. Okay, here's better feed.
The piece was good enough to be bitten, and I didn't see anything that needed improvement. Metaphors, multis, and everything else pretty much comingled perfectly.
'In an instance' doesn't make sense in
A girl forcing with resistance, but a man out powering with persistence
In an instance, the man striked her with a blow no one could defend
So it sounds like a forced multi to me. It should be 'in an instant'. It's still a rhyme, and it actually sounds right there.
Good drop overall. A few things like what I bolded in that bar doesn't make sense, but it's probably good enough to be nominated. :thumbup:
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K your work is astounding... The quality of the writing here was excellent. I often say how Bounce is the best writer on this site, however, now I see so much talent and skill in your work I keep finding myself saying you're the best writer I've seen here...
The imagery and the metaphors alone make this good. The vocabulary used, in conjunction with the imagery and metaphor add to the quality and complexity of this... It's to such a degree that you utilise these writing methods, that I think many people will find themselves not understanding the full message you're conveying. I felt you started better than you ended, however, that is only my personal opinion.
I'll nominate this for HoF later this month, not now, as I think you'll out do this very quickly as you're continuously improving. If I forget feel free to speak to me on AIM at Deviate XIII
If you could check out "Out of Ammunition" in my sig I'd appreciate it.
Peace
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I told you on aim, I didn't like the "tion" rhymes. I'm not into the "essed" lines either. Because they don't really rhyme, they just have the same suffix. It was a little wordy to start, for me. The second stanza was nice. I liked the opening two lines of it. Are you saying that you watched a guy kill/rape a girl at the trian tracks and you don't go back because it reminds you of it? I wasn't 100% clear on that. Anyway, this was a cool drop, I just didn't like how it started.
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the guy watched a guy kill somone there so he cant go back..another peice cuming later tonight
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thanks agen everyone...Bounce
