My Pain

This is my first OM.. Please leave feed and tell me your honest opinion, i will return the favour.

27th March 2003
Spent many weeks thinking about you, wishing for you,
Imagining you were by my side, there for me to adore you,
Putting my arms around you, and loving you like I used to,
But there’s nothing there, just empty space to see through.
Waking up alone, the room feeling cold and empty,
The chance I had I’ve blown, feel locked up in a penitentiary.
Having no friends, no one to talk to, just for that one mistake,
The day my life ends, will feel sweet compared to this daily ache.
I’m dead in these rhymes, not having you to support me,
Apologised hundreds of times, but you decline the apology.
If only I could turn back time, I would’ve never felt real pain,
But I hear that clock chime, and the blood of hatred continues in my vein.

27th September 2003
Over six months have passed, and I still call you everyday,
My love for you is vast, more than you could ever weigh,
Today is your birthday, I left a message on your phone,
“Can we go back to the first day, the first time we were alone?”
I bought you birthday flowers, sent them to your address,
I cried for hours; no acknowledge for them - I’ve made no progress
A week went by with no reply, the future looking dim,
I sit by the phone and I sigh, everything seems so grim,
I go to work depressed, nothing can cheer me up,
With you I feel blessed, without you I’m severely fucked,
Another week passes, I remain in pain living so lonely,
Staring through dirty glasses, at the pictures of the one & only,
Still you blank out my existence, pretending we never met,
I’m your longest romance, surely you can’t just forget?

27th October 2003
Another month gone, still I yearn to hear your sweet voice,
I wake up every morn, refusing to accept that’s your choice,
It was a Friday night, I leave a depressing week of work behind,
Nothing ever goes right, with the constant thought of you on my mind,
The phone started to ring, I expected it to be my friends or mother,
I picked up the thing, listened and my brain it started to smother,
I heard gentle sighs, a period with nothing at all said,
I started to cry, as the familiar breaths came into my head,
A few minutes later, I heard her whisper my name,
She whispered ‘traitor’, and said I only have myself to blame,
I agreed with her, and then started apologising eternally,
A name she started to murmur, I felt a jerk internally,
The name of the girl I kissed, outside my office that day,
The murmur became a hiss, venom started to spray,
I said I regretted it, right up to this very day,
I was wrong I admit, but she’s seen the pain I’ve displayed,
She hung up the phone, and told me she would call again,
The verdict still unknown, to be made.. I don’t know when.

1st November 2003
There is a knock at my door, it awakes me with a fright,
I drag my feet on the floor, rubbing my eyes of the sunlight,
I opened it feeling rough, my eyes soar and blurry,
The site I saw was more than enough, to justify getting up early,
The woman I had yearned for for an age, stood a yard away,
It felt like I’d been let out of my cage, after a long delay,
I fell into her arms, and just hugged her for more than a minute,
It felt like I’d never been harmed, now I’ve finally got her after a long pursuit,
Not a word had been spoke, until we both got inside,
Then we chatted and joked, it could almost have made me cry,
We were finally back together again, I’m such a happy man,
Everything was explained, and we kicked off where we began.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=198625
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=198341

Uppin..

Up.. come on, reply!

ok............ i thought this was really good n deep, nice use of vocab and a good structure and flow, u had nice creativity and u could really feel the meaning of all the verses, thought you could of done a bit more on the last verse just to round it off so to speak (1st of november) but other than that a really good topical, and hope to see more from you

^Thanks for the feed. Uppin..

This was very deep....great imagery and a good topic to choose from. You got a real way of sayin things. This was real good, Im pmin u right now for summin

^Alright thanks i'll return the favour on your OM tomorrow or something. More feed please :)

this was an ok piece, but I thought you're rhyme scheme was too basic, lacked creativity and didnt flow very well, but considering it was youre first Open mic....stretch out you're line a little farther and addy some complex vocab words to make it sound more appealing, throw in a few tricky metaphors and establish you're own unique rhyme scheme....elevate

This was a good piece good imagination good flow structure was solid vocab was alright wordplay was ok...
You need to make your vocab a lil more complex..that would make it an altogether good piece

but this piece was still good

not a bad piece at all for your first openmic.......nice flow structure but you lacked on the vocab and wordplay.....i liked the imagery though i could see everything that was goin on..overall i liked the the 27th september 2003 verse the best....keep droppin

come on ya'll at least give the man a tip or two.. damn..

I gotta be honest here, this piece felt like more of a poem than anything else.. anyway if that's what you were going for good job, if you were going for a key.. i gotta tell you your metaphors, creativity, and your word play were wacced.. but yea i have to agree with youngc.. the 27th September 2003 verse was what i liked best..

tips: throw in some better imagery, have fun with your words.. you got your message across but im sure there were better words to use to describe your emotions..

~wun

^Thanks for the feedback.

yeah boy dat was sick do ya thang nicca

i think that you created a very good picture of emotions, i could see you doing these things i could see you calling her, i could see you contemplating your thoughts. the rhyme scheme needs a little work, but other than that it was very good.

not bad i enjoyed the flow you had a really nice peice here... not bad at all... i liked how you laid out the topic really good work here.... keep at it and ill be seeing some dope shit formy ou soon.