simple n plane-"my life"

i wake up dayz trying to find my self, pissed off no loot or no wealth, times get hard, im like an ice cube in the sun... i melt... every once in a while i pull up my pants, but theres no belt.., im off track tippin and touchin the border, it feels like these days.. are only gettin shorter, i feel weak, so i be lifting them weights, hoping ill be strong enuff to reach.. heavens gates, in these days.. u gotta give to take, so i really gotta limit.. all mistakes, askin questions.. like wut is my fate, am i on time... or am i to late, i gotta change my mind state...., cuz the road has construction, n quick dead endz, realizin who r my friends, AND if i get locked up... wut letters id send, had dreams about bein rich n bein a star.. neva woulda thought takin da bus n no car, its bazzar, how life quickly changes, theres no chapters... im juss flippin the pages, early ages,, i laffed at my shyness.. but now im thinkin where was my guidance, i had a lot to unleash, but felt place to swallow, no blood flow my heart is hollow, my mind is racing and outta place, confused and trying to remember dates, i seem to fail, swing and miss at attempts, hoping i get sum slack and roll with exzempts, it aint right.. but nottin seems like it in this world, meeting new people an looking for that gurl, it may seem simple, but all i have is me, frowns and my dimples, i feel ready with the lift of a finger, but still caught beginng to linger

drop if u like and juss tell me if ur feelin it... "its simple, its plane......its my life

You got the right idea mayne, but.. its no flowing.. i dont really care about line structure, case its your life story, but you cuda used sum more rhyming combos.
Like

Pair- I -wear

Year- by -Year

Keep Elevatin'
Pz

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

Yea U definitly got the idea...U had everything...but it all needs improvement. MAJOR STRUCTURE improvement.

Elevate...develope...and keep at it

6/10

Yea..I had a couple gripes with this piece, that could help you elevate.

A. Fix up your structure. I know this was supposed to be a free-thought piece that just sort of flowed from your mind, but the fact is that it just makes your piece seem amateurish, and makes it a little hard to read. Also, you can do alot of things with form and structure to make your piece stronger as a whole.

B. Work on diction. You want your piece to 'flow' well (as well as text can flow), which will allow you to convey your message better, and make it more exciting for the reader.

C. Work on vocab. Although, sometimes simple vocab works fine in pieces, your vocab was really too simple to get your message across.

Work on those things, and you'll find yourself elevating before you know it.

No links. Closed.