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winter wonder land
Winter Wonder Land
shivering cold hails dazing soft snow as he plays
shoveled sidewalks decay, schools off for snow days
melted flakes steep in the mittens, hands throb a freeze
contemplating throbbing hands, he rests weight on his knees
the sudden sensation tingles the caps of the young lad
mentality erupts cold tears, brain storms of jacket pads
a quick impact strikes his thighs, his mind breaks a tickle
feeling compare to those of poking pains from an Icesickle
gut-wrenching reflects, as he struggles getting on his feet
his duties as a kid succeed, though keeping his clothes neat
mother calls for cookies, he thrusts his aching bones
snacks thrill em, anything for cookies and ice cream cones
a packed stomach grumbles, as he stands from the table
glances at children create snowmen, friends would enable
confidently jets outside the door, confronting the kids
rejection of playing occurs, causing tears under eyelids
upsetting he thrives on holding mom, a sad child crys
mother holds him corresingly, favoring family ties
children are gone, he pervails on enjoying the snow
and frolick with sleigh rides from hills high to low
passions of playing are stopped, boredom occurs
mother implys to warm up, creating coco he stirs
hes cuddled around as he slirps the hot chocolate
insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
snow days encounter the moments of fun defined
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Nice Shit Man Had Some Decent Lines In Here Which Was Cool, Had Alot Od Meta's Expressing Shit Which Was Good Vocabylary Was Nice Man Leave links Y0
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Hmmm, this was good, ecspecially for an open mic,
you usually see people rapping about how hard they is
and shit like that... this was different, seemd more like
a spoken word rap.. thas all good tho, some nice vocab here..
good lux staying on topic...
insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
snow days encounter the moments of fun defined
I liked the ending of this, it kind of summed the whole thing up...
sTayy up
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melted flakes steep in the mittens, hands throb a freeze
contemplating throbbing hands, he rests weight on his knees
felt the 1st line on this could feel the imagery made me feel cold.
gut-wrenching reflects, as he struggles getting on his feet
his duties as a kid succeed, though keeping his clothes neat
mother calls for cookies, he thrusts his aching bones
snacks thrill em, anything for cookies and ice cream cones
liked these alot.
hes cuddled around as he slirps the hot chocolate
insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
snow days encounter the moments of fun defined
this was real nice ending.
overall yeh i liked this quite alot felt the imagery in some parts vocab was nice an the flow was on point all the way through nice written stay up -1- watch for my piece tomoz called"the good days"
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This was nice Kost.The story was pretty cool.I liked your imagery,you had some nice metaphors,but i myself would've made some minor word changes in some parts.The rhymescheme was predictable.It didn't have much complexity.You had too few internals and your rhymes were mostly mono-syllabe.Try to step out of that conventional rhymescheme and develop one that you are the most confortable with.It isn't that hard to have a good or great content,enough have.But no matter how good your content is,if you don't have a complex rhymescheme(or at least a more complex) it takes away much from the beauty of the piece.At least this is how i feel...
Anyway...a fairly decent drop Kost.Keep posting!
Peace!
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Jermaine Warrell]Yo this was hot, the first OM i read on RB is sick. Nice drop man, keep it up,The story was dope.I liked the imagery,you had some nice wordplay
