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White Flag
White Flag
More forcefully than I had expected, I am lead into a war room
it is dim lit and appears neglected, like the interior of a tomb
the aura is like no other around the figures, who so largely loom
their presence consumes, being a free thinker, may be my doom
I would later discover that their stature was not all that was firm
in addition to that I learned, that in their opinions they were stern
confirmed was one of my slight hopes when one of the men spoke
As a foreign strategist, at least one commander knew English
my job being to assist amongst the midst of a massive resistance
but with my conservative mindset, I gave myself some distance
in turn I at first earned a much smaller existence in the decisions
Among me were the nation’s most regarded military minds
I reasonably felt uneasy, armed soldiers guarded the confines
but it would be correct to say that I have respect and aligned...
with the country’s mankind, but apparently I must remind
after off and on stints, with the locals I’ve made my imprints
now under a more serious matter I may have to resell my pitch
when I'm seated, mysterious chatter seems into my area switch
the previous work I had no part in had gone off without a hitch
I was ignorant to think that they had better technology
they grant me an introduction to their tools without apology
being used to computer screens, I was surprised by their map
with no complex machines, there would be no mishap
using replicas of artillery preparing against ploys and traps
reminding me of children playing with toys letting time elapse
with heated arguments over the paramount plan of attack
I’m seated attentively with no support for my hunched back
After a long, arduous debate, No More, is cried from the side
the commander holds a white handkerchief with foolish pride
his message implied, he waits for one of the participants to reply
I am feeling dumbfounded as It’s our only choice, is lowly sighed
after hours of letting ideas collide, I thought we had made strides
with a new fervor, I no longer stayed an observer, not letting this slide
I had been taught to keep surrendering as an option in a winless fight
but as of late I have had a moral adoption, never stress what's not right
so I then took a stand against the man who suggested the white flag
prayed that the sentiment to quit does not extend, and hope it might sag
because when you accept the flag of surrender, you disrespect your own
everything that it stood for, becomes blotted and directly outshone
But when I tried to have them embrace my case for action
I was seen as an insane radical that was only a distraction
Subtraction would serve their purpose to rid me of interaction
The guard at the door silenced my voice, I was now the offender
My life was taken when I cried out...
.......................I'd rather die a thousand deaths than surrender!
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Shit son ill piece..Somethign i would expect form u. You always come out wid nice songs
I like dthe flow the vocab was amazing and the subject was good..not to mention u expressed it amazingly
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Yo man, I thought this was sweet. It was long, but that made it more interesting, like I wante to find out what was happening. I guess in some places I could see a couple forced rhymes (as I would call them). But thats ok, it's still good. Nice storyline.
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sense we were the ones who battled and i lost to you anyway ill leave feed well anyway your flow was weak little streched stucture was good inner rhyme scheme was decent coulda been a lot better vocabulary was decent coulda been better outta rhyme scheme was pretty good imagery was very good and overall i rate this a C-
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this sound more like a story than a rap, but some good rhymes along with it, i could visualize what you were trying to mean, nice....
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Very nice peice. Good concept and i liked the way you went with the concept throughout the whole thing. Was long but was worth the read. One thing that could of been improved in this peice was the multis which would of caused less lines to be forced I think. Vocabulary was straight throughout. The best feature of your peice had to your imagery. Good job on that. Thanks for hitting up my peice.
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I really liked this peice here man, not only was it done well. it parallels what I have done in real life. I know first hand what it is like to sit in a cammad room/war room, I know what it's like barking out orders that have a direct impact on lives. I know the guilt and frustration associated with such a lifestyle, you did a good job at describing that here. This reminds me of a peice I wrote for the Dennis Prager talk show about my ordeals and tribualations, over a career that is heavlily bombarded with such. Nice way to produce that emotion and imagery, but I think it would appeal more to those that have an idea of were you are going. I think you could of set it up better by giving the readers some to parallel, they may not understand the conflict of emotions unless introduced to a famialr sceneriao. I think you could have better regulated your line lenght and I think you could have impacted your reader better by paintint these comparisons. blah what do I know... I did like this here man...
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More forcefully than I had expected, I am lead into a war room
it is dim lit and appears neglected, like the interior of a tomb
Yeh nice opening like the wordplay on this line.
the aura is like no other around the figures, who so largely loom
their presence consumes, being a free thinker, may be my doom
Imagery here is nice like it.
would later discover that their stature was not all that was firm
in addition to that I learned, that in their opinions they were stern
confirmed was one of my slight hopes when one of the men spoke
yeh liked this had some sik flow on this line going nicely.
As a foreign strategist, at least one commander knew English
my job being to assist amongst the midst of a massive resistance
Yeh feelin the play on words here.
but with my conservative mindset, I gave myself some distance
in turn I at first earned a much smaller existence in the decisions
nice bar again solid so far.
Among me were the nation’s most regarded military minds
I reasonably felt uneasy, armed soldiers guarded the confines
but it would be correct to say that I have respect and aligned...
with the country’s mankind, but apparently I must remind
Yeh feeling the flow on t an your use of words.
after off and on stints, with the locals I’ve made my imprints
now under a more serious matter I may have to resell my pitch
when I'm seated, mysterious chatter seems into my area switch
the previous work I had no part in had gone off without a hitch
wow this is nice really nice use of words again.
I was ignorant to think that they had better technology
they grant me an introduction to their tools without apology
Yeh this is nice welll explained.
being used to computer screens, I was surprised by their map
with no complex machines, there would be no mishap
using replicas of artillery preparing against ploys and traps
reminding me of children playing with toys letting time elapse
with heated arguments over the paramount plan of attack
I’m seated attentively with no support for my hunched back
the flow was a little off in the bit but still I like the wordplay in it.
After a long, arduous debate, No More, is cried from the side
the commander holds a white handkerchief with foolish pride
Bang this was sik flow and very nice bar
his message implied, he waits for one of the participants to reply
I am feeling dumbfounded as It’s our only choice, is lowly sighed
Yeh this was nice I could imagine this in my head
after hours of letting ideas collide, I thought we had made strides
with a new fervor, I no longer stayed an observer, not letting this slide
This was cool nice aggression.
had been taught to keep surrendering as an option in a winless fight
but as of late I have had a moral adoption, never stress what's not right
nice vocab in these words.
so I then took a stand against the man who suggested the white flag
prayed that the sentiment to quit does not extend, and hope it might sag
because when you accept the flag of surrender, you disrespect your own
everything that it stood for, becomes blotted and directly outshone
wow this was sik again feeling this very descriptive.
But when I tried to have them embrace my case for action
I was seen as an insane radical that was only a distraction
Sik again bruv.
Subtraction would serve their purpose to rid me of interaction
The guard at the door silenced my voice, I was now the offender
My life was taken when I cried out...
.......................I'd rather die a thousand deaths than surrender!
Wow hit em with something hard to finish with this was dope.
Overall this was fukin sik I like the way you describe everything but still keep on topic and don’t go of about it. Your vocab is crazy an the flow was really nice. There was a lot to comment on this so I thought I would take my time on it ther isn’t really noting I can crit on all im sayin is very nice piece.check my piece tomoz called”the good days”
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Very good job here Carl.
I like the rhymescheme...
It reminds me of this verse I did for SS about Life as a Schizophrenic...
Where I rhymed line after line after line after line...
With the same rhyme.
Not easy to do, but you pulled it off well.
Great job here.
I'm impressed.
Never lived the experience, but your verse makes the audience feel there.
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i likeed it..... well done and use of words.........
