I Remember a Girl.....

I remember a stunning women, Her grasp on Life was Heavy
Yet she Lost her cause for Living, And decided to Die steady
Is she Ready? To die alone, And give up that Life Gods Throne
her lifes loan of liquid waters skipping this womens a Pebble Stone
Conversations on the phone, her heart was falling but she kept it
So the Passions of me Interested, With a Girl whos Lifes Infected
Conflicts Inflicted, Drugs became daily Scarring her daughter Hailey
Soon her Life gone see, And Living was no option, She Failed Thee
She met Jeremy, A young man whos tragic life was in Gods Hands
His lifes Bland, developed Aids at a Young Age but still Stands
Massacre rants, Abuse from Jeremy was heavy so she Left Him
Broke a Sin, Striking a helpless women theres no way she Kept Him

...................

She packs her bags, and lonely depressing Tears start to Sag
She grabs a rag, Kisses her crying children and stares at Dad
Depressed and sad, Ashamed and untaimed she Gets in her Car
Headed no where, She decides to stop and gaze at a bright Star
Yet a far, She feels attached.........Close, Her life is the Same
Beautiful and Lonely, Shockingly the women has the same Name

Star

Quick 20 Min, Got Bored, Ill leave Links in a Couple Minutes.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...16#post2448716
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19#post2448719

Well the topic here is pretty played about remembering a girl so if you're gonna drop about shit like this you gotta come more original. Your flow was good for the most part but you forced it at some parts like

Soon her Life gone see, And Living was no option, She Failed Thee
and
Broke a Sin, Striking a helpless women theres no way she Kept Him

Overally wasn't really feeling this piece... thought it coulda been deeper and more original cause there's 1000's of pieces just like this one but whatev

Uppin.

This piece was good. I thought you could have said somethings quicker.
I do the same shit sometimes. The topic is a little common but as long as you deliver it right you its ok.
Keep doin ya thing cuz!!

Very nice flow and vocab was feelin that, Imagery was decent I could picture this women and what she was feeling, going through etc. But like someone mentioned the general idea has been used a whole lot, poor woman, single-mother, battered wife/girlfriend. If you do any pieces like this I think it needs to really stand out and your point needs to hit hard in the reader and make the particular woman you're talking about stands out from the many many other women with the same situation. I dont think you were specific in detail to do that. Like I said it does flow nicely and I get the basic idea it just isnt pounded in hard enough.

The idea has been handled...but at the same time you had an interesting Take on it....you didn't just give her an antagonist...you gave her an antagonist we felt sorry for too...(JEREMY)...
i'D GIVE IT A 9/10.......I woulda gave it a Ten but it was a Short piece

keep it up Morph.
you're giving me all types of ideas and inspiration
fav. Lines were:
Depressed and sad, Ashamed and untaimed she Gets in her Car
Headed no where, She decides to stop and gaze at a bright Star
Yet a far, She feels attached.........Close, Her life is the Same
Beautiful and Lonely, Shockingly the women has the same Name



Star





that was a tyte way to end it

Upping this. Thanks for following the rules.