if i had a chance...

ma last day bleed on my knees,or die like Christopher reeves
-baaron i'm trying to elevate but it feels like i'm hitting these trees
police torturing my life...reminds me of the slave trade re-played
-and plus i just got a scratch on my diablo but my angers restrained
talking to the grim reeper,my life aint getting no better
-instead of counting money,instead i'm counting letters
they got an apb for me stealing grocery how silly
-locked up..while my baby mother an kid watchin tom an jerry
if i had a chance at the industry i would tell the world about the goverment
-lil kids cant eat and baby mothers receiving harassment
slowly a flower grows but its so quick to loose its petals
-slowly a humans created-but so easy to kill with the metal
god give me that chance i pray for my time to shine
-i been waiting patiently like a stereo waiting to play a next track on rewind
my works poetry but if i dont show are kids about immigration
-god show me how we gonna survive living in this nation

1st link
2nd link

all feed back-i will return the favour! piece

So hell ya am still going throught hard time and coverations with my 9 cuz crimes the only way i know how to pay . .... It saturday night the city lights shine on my shaved head ,as we mobin in and out the traffic like a high speed case . man! all i ever wanted to be was a gangbanger so i got the feel'in you going to feel this i swar , I got the feel'in you the realist swar.... locc

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Originally Posted by pepilocc

So hell ya am still going throught hard time and coverations with my 9 cuz crimes the only way i know how to pay . .... It saturday night the city lights shine on my shaved head ,as we mobin in and out the traffic like a high speed case . man! all i ever wanted to be was a gangbanger so i got the feel'in you going to feel this i swar , I got the feel'in you the realist swar.... locc

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No free posting, if you want to open an open mic, read the stickies for the rules!

Not a bad piece but I felt that you could of done abit better with this. Structure was fine and I liked the fact that the rhyming wasn't basic. I felt that at times you strayed a bit of subject but as you elavate then you'll get better at this.

Haha at you name dropping me in this ..

.. Im guessing you own the MMLP ? From the opener its pretty obvious, but FYI - the guy hitting the trees was Sonny Bono, not Chris Reeves ..
Anyway ..

On to buisness, One thing id suggest is that before you write something - Get a general idea of the direction you want to take it in or what you want to say within the piece. Because with this one, you seemed to go from thought to thought with no real sense of where to take it with the next couplet and so on .. This was better than your last effort, it seemed a lot more direct and reality based. What struck me was how you seemed to move from one thing to another very quickly, maybe you should think about possibly going from one image or idea, and expanding that into possibly six to eight lines, and THEN moving onto something else, maybe somehting relating to what you'd in the previous six or eight bars? That would help your drops if you did that. Again, I'll have to stress the importance of multi's - Your flows there, but the lack of multi's and a decent rhyme scheme let you down slightly. That said, this -

"slowly a flower grows but its so quick to loose its petals"

was dope as fuck. Haha. It may seem like a small consolation, but I liked this a lot more than your other piece.

I like your vocab,mutli-syl's n structure just hate your concept lol not original enuff,still a dope piece tho ;)

Baaron thanks yaahl,in future i'm gonna plan out what i'm a write and elevate dogg! Coz i know a nigga can be better ya heard. every1 else thanks yaahl for yo feed-all peeps who replied i will return the favour :thumbup:

You had some good ideas, but the piece would have been better served with more description on certain concepts instead of moving on. It looks like you got stuck with the rhyme, and the next line took you off topic. Had some stretched lines, maybe some editing on those. Your rhyming vocab was alright, maybe work on some elevated words within the piece. You had some nice rhyming in places, work on sticking with it throughout the verse.
Thanks for checking out my piece.

thanks carl, much respect for the feedback for real! keep it coming peeps!

tremas good at dis shit... u gunna go far son.. keep up da good work...

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Originally Posted by Urban Warrior

tremas good at dis shit... u gunna go far son.. keep up da good work...

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thanks b, i cant ever stop kuz! uppin

this was an interesting drop. one of the first mentioning so many celebs that ive read. good work overall.

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Originally Posted by Mizz Martin

this was an interesting drop. one of the first mentioning so many celebs that ive read. good work overall.

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Thanks yo-remeber leave a link to your work and i'll huller back!