LAst Bullet

My First Open Mic

Last Bullet


I Hop in the bed, glad its a Thursday night and the weekend will be here soon
I set the clock and look threw the window as I take one last glance at the moon
my alarm goes off I wipe my eyes and take one big yawn as school starts in an hour
I check the Time I see im running late, so as I Brush my teeth I barge threw the gate
I arrive to Class late, I take my seat and my teacher calls my name so I face my fate
Detention,something I cant afford, sharpening Pencils and wiping off the chalk board
Wondering the Halls, I see James the School Bully As I talk to my self I ask the Lord
A fat kid, ....who's always Sour not the smart type but plenty of power I run and cower
He confronts.... me hits me for no reason I take a breath, Thank God he has finally left
As I look in the mirror and ask my self why I take this everyday tomorrow's the last day
IM SICK OF IT! blood in my mouth I taste, start lies when im asked whats up with my face
tomorrows different I take my Dad's gun from under the bed in a brown covered suitcase
under my pillow is where the gun was placed, Alarm set and mind set to ends James's race
I wait with my friend at Lunch wit the gun in my pocket finger locked on the guns trigger
See him out the corner of my eye as my hand rattles I take fire I missed like I'd figured
1 bullet left to go as my friends shouts and perches to me I begin to hear voices in my head
I drop the gun As I become confused I begin to see my friend turn Red with the last piece of lead
Hurt and Dazed what I've done? I Murdered my best friend I should have just listened
The final words engraved in stone 1988 to 2004 my best friend is now declared dead

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...30#post2398730

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192223

Pretty Good Piece Man You Had Some Good Vocabulary Here Nice Structure I Was Feeling The Flow On This Man SOme What Use Of Multi's Pretty Good Topic To Write About It's Complex Man Nice Use In Some Words, Some Good Okay Meta's Man, Your Words Fit Into The Rhyme Scheme Perfect This Was A Deep Decent Piece Man keep Dropping Em Playa

Umm was okay For a first, Some of the lines Seemed uneeded. However i did like how the bully kicked your ass. LMFAO, However you did try to get deep You got deep at the end, Kinda Sad, Could have been Worded better, But pretty Good for your first piece. Keep writing. -Broken Swordz

lol, thats not me I would have popped a cap in his ass the first shot thanks for the feed though

up's fo mo feed

yeah good narrative drop...felt da story and plot...good rhyme scheme...its workin for ya homie...stay up...8.9/10
return da feed:) http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192355

I didn't like how the lines ran over to the next, maybe they would have stayed on one line if they weren't centered. I felt you could have done more with rhyming with the long lines. The story was alright, you built it up pretty good. Alright for a first open mic, but you will improve on word choice as you continue. There were spots where there could have been better words that would have got your emotion across more. Keep going in detail, if you decide to work on topicals like these, it brings up the quality of the piece.
Return the feedback
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