''The Way Of The Gun''

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=188217
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=187111

''The Way Of The Gun''
So who's life do we lead to start with the bliss now
Who's family am I gonna have to throw over this ship's bow
Now sit the fuck down, open your eyes and try to pay attention
I have a gun to your head, and ya head's full of suspension
I threaten to blow you away, but do I really mean it
Your face down in this court room, hundreds of people have seen it
But do they believe it? or sit here and try to look through it
As I put this world in Awe, here comes death and I pursue it
I'm putting horrible thoughts into your head, and you neglect
So no respect, pushing my very last nerve, so I project
The order in the court, You got a disorder in your voice
You try to push me off you, There's no border for this choice
Your head pounds into the chair, notice the wound on your shoulder
As your eyes tremble, I see your glare, as your body gets colder
I pulled the trigger again, seems as though your not awake
The bullet entered your skull, the casing fell into the place
You try to get up, muscles don't budge, cold is a breeze
You think your alive, but really, your soul has been freed

kuz! u should of made dis a lil longer i was feeling dat,plus u should of thrown in mo! when writing give it ya all and dont write it in a rush-take ya time! :thumbup:

^who says I rushed? how about some critique on the lines pal.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Awaken

^who says I rushed? how about some critique on the lines pal.

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listen b da lines are gud but u shud of made it longa-nxt time u gonna get mad on a nigga i wnt reply to yo shit :thefinger

It was a good concept but i think it should of been longer the story was over before you really had a chance to get really deep on it.
The opening couplet flowed nice but then the flow stayed basic the structure and vocab was fine but the flow was too inconsistent look at your first 2 bars again and thats how the flow should of stayed throughout the piece.
It was a very descriptive story but i felt you should of made it longer it was over just as i was getting into the story.
A good effort but next time write a couple of verses i'll be looking out for your next post.

Return the favour please:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=188871

thanks for the replies, how about some more?

im not big on reading sumthing that looks as if u wrote an essay so i think the length was pretty good. U gave a good story, though it was more on the poetry side. Pretty good opening and ending and for the most part i was feeling it...so keep it coming


~1

whoever says its more on the ''poetry'' side is a newb. your prolly stuck on killing people, drugs, guns, and rape.

all it needed was 2 last lines to finish it off, but props case that was a hot drop keep elevatin'

^your an idiot.

yo man that was a tight spit... i was feelin that alot those rhymes was tight! man the rhymes was perfect but i wanted 2 c sum mo' doublez nd shit ok nigga?! aight otherwise the rhymes was good, flow was good, structure was good, the bars was all pretty long thurr nigga mayb shorten that shit down a bit 2 get 2 the point faster.. it sounds better when u do that and it has more impact... now if u was bustin triples that would b a different story lol... newayz the flow was good, vocab was decent could work on that a bit, i liked the point of it nigga real gangsta there, i would like 2 c it extended like mayb make a whole song outta that piece or sumtin cuz i was feelin it alot... good job man i b checkin fo' yas