Reflections

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183510
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183337










A soft breeze blows the ripples across the water so smoothly...
As a man stumbles upon this pond as he admires its beauty...
He sits at the ponds edge slightly dipping his toes in the water...
And he sighs hanging his head at the loss of his wife and daughter...
Looking into the rippling waves he can almost make out their faces...
Closing his eyes as tears pour down his cheeks as his mind races...
Re-living memories they once had together for a brief moment...
He starts crying harder not knowing why God had to bestow it...
As he lays back against the bank of the pond rubbing his eyes...
Missing holding his new born baby daughter and loving his wife....
Looking up at the bright blue sky sending God a call for help...
But God doesn't answer him and more depressed is all he felt...
And he closes his eyes tightly crying out in pain and cursing...
From all that he lost in one day, leaving him insane and hurting...
But moments pass and he slowly calms down and drifts away...
Swept into dreams with his loved ones where he wished to stay...
As his wife appears before him smiling, holding his little baby girl...
He stares crying cause they had to leave him in this crazy world...
As he tries to speak, just stuttering as they look and smile at him...
His wife says "I Love You" and his baby girl giggles, while he grins...
He reaches out to touch them but he cant seem to reach that far...
Still crying hard he manages to say "Only if I Would've beat that car...
None of this would have happened"...hiding his head in his hands...
Then he looks up at them and says "This isn't the future we planned..
I dont want to miss our baby's first step and watching her grow up"...
As his voice gets shakey, bursting in more tears "I miss you so much"...
"And who's going to be there at night for me to hold within my arms?"
His wife looks at him and says "Hun, I know having this sin is hard...
But it wasn't your fault and in good time you will be here with us...
And I know you want to be here now cause you really miss us"...
...*silence*...
A few moments pass then she bends down and kisses his lips softly...
He smiles slightly and says "I wish I could get this burden off me"...
She looks at him and says " Dear, you never had one to begin with"...
And with that she slowly fades away, leaving him with one last kiss...
...
Then he wakes and sits up quickly with his heart beating rapidly...
As he sighs sadly, trying to calm down over his nap and dream...
He crawls over to the ponds edge and splashes water on his face...
And watches the rippling waves as they slowly respond with grace...
His eyes widen as he sees his wife and baby sleeping in the reflection...
Reaching in to see if its real, He's welcomed by his wife's affection...
Then he crawls into the waters reflection snuggling up to his wife...
As he rejoices in the moment loving every single second of this sight...
...
Morning slowly comes and he lays there in bed with his love soaking...
As a passer by stumbles upon the pond finding him face down just floating...

this was verrry good... i liked the whole concept of this, how he woke up and crawled into the water, blah blah blah... the imaginery in this was verrry good, each line was very describing, i could picture everything... it reminds me of some movie or something, i dunno but the idea of this was awsome, very creative... emotion was very strong, it made this peice stand out alot... everything else was also on point, flow, structure, ect.. didnt notive many multis, but it wasnt needed in this...

A few moments pass then she bends down and kisses his lips softly...
He smiles slightly and says "I wish I could get this burden off me"...
She looks at him and says " Dear, you never had one to begin with"...
And with that she slowly fades away, leaving him with one last kiss...
^^i was really liking that part

But yeah, everything in here was very good, emotion was strong.. the last few lines finished this very well, i dunno theres really nothing bad to say about this.. it was a good peice... keep at it biiiitch

a great concept which was brilliantlyexecuted. the subtle imagery set the scene really well. each new twist changed the whole mood of the storyand finihsed pretty fucked up, lol. you had strong and well placed multi's and vocab which was spot on for the piece.

reminds me of one of my topicals, haha. keep posting creds, you do the forum credit.

p.s. i'd really appricaite some feedback on my latest piece (the 100th om i've done as 6-feet).

Thanks for the feedback. Upping.

A very well written piece. The extent to which you went to make sure that the great vocab you used provided the reader with a clear image of your storyline was great. Very descriptive drop with a great surprise ending. Starting off you woud have never guessed that you were going to take it there. Overall though a good job. Ill as usuall from u. Like Johnny siad the the ending was kinda f upped, but that just made it that much more interesting.


If you get a chance check out Old Railraod tracks, link in my sig.

Long shit but good read. Damn this hott son. Alot of gems. This was my fav part tho.

Looking up at the bright blue sky sending God a call for help...
But God doesn't answer him and more depressed is all he felt...

9/10

Keep it up kid. Glad to see theres atleast some ill heads at rb.

As usual you've written a very nice piece... I have to say it was a very interesting subject and you wrote with it very well. Seeing the title I was expecting a look at life and how it works but the idea of the water was very good. You wrote with it with skill and expanded on that with detailed imagery through metaphor and good vocabulary. I liked it a lot... Wasn't an average piece that can usually be found in this forum. I have a lot of respect for you being a mod in this forum and pieces like this add to that...

Only thing I could fault is maybe changing the structure a little, otherwise it was very good. Keep writing man... Pieces like this make this forum interesting.

If you could check out "Tears of the World" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

Peace

yo dog no wonder u r a moderator that was some advanced shit...real crazy,
i especially liked this piece

As his wife appears before him smiling, holding his little baby girl...
He stares crying cause they had to leave him in this crazy world...
As he tries to speak, just stuttering as they look and smile at him...
His wife says "I Love You" and his baby girl giggles, while he grins...
He reaches out to touch them but he cant seem to reach that far...

that was some touchin shit bro for sure!!

great piece Credz...really liked it...i liked very much the storyline,because it wasn't predictable at all.what i liked the most about this was the imagery...very well done thru the use of good vocabulary;you were very descriptive and you managed to paint the images in your head in mine...what else?it flowed good,you used multis in the right places,and had a good rhymesceme.the ending was kinda crazy,but original,and i liked it...a great read Credz...i think i'll nominate this for the HoF...Keep it up!

and if you could return the favour("Beteleuse's curse" in my sig) it would be much apreciated.
Peace man!

I got to say the closer was excellent.

A fantastic piece man, I can't really say anything to take away from this.

It was simple, but very well thought out and will deserve its place in the OM Hall Of Fame.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183673

Check that out for me man, if you have time :thumbup:

i havent read any of ur ish in a while Credz........this was a really solid drop, Pros: you emphasized on every concept and this helped everyone understand ur story, you had some solid bars with some solid rhymes, tha twist at tha end was really good....
Cons: many of tha bars were too long....makin ur flow a lil shaky, you expressed tha same thing in about 8 bars so it got kinda redundant......you saved it with some emotion, ur rhyme scheme was on point sometimes and fell off at others....work on a lil more consistency, tha twist at tha end was solid but you know and iknow that youcould have made it betta, it was a lil shaky as well.......but since i know where you came from and what you used to drop..........this ish is incredable, you have Elevated alot man.......and i give you mad props, tha story was good and it def had alot of emotion involved.......let me know next time you drop anotha peice like this

touch up sum stuff and soon enough you will be legendary status

Thanks for the feedback, Upping :) Appreciate it!!!!

yo was that a rap or a story

overall this was nice