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Mentally Wealthy
To start his day the man leaves his mansion
which overlooks a waterfront expansion
located within an excluded area
kinda guy thats just unaware of ya
so begins his routine morning stroll
finding his favorite bench is his goal
so he begins to walk further downtown
as many people are still bustling around
they look at him, all with heads down
everyone commenting on his clothes
he thinks, I'm wearin a suit, they don't know
getting dirty looks from today's people
in the old days wasn't seen as equal
not much changed, similar to a sequel
as long as he's got his opulence
he won't have to worry about petty cents
then he heads back to see his family
he misses them, and his heart agrees
he gets back and lays next to his mate
thirty years, no way he could overrate
but as a gentle wind blows by him
you can see what he was really hidin
the gust blows away the cardboard
that was his house he could afford
the supposed family was new everyday
the picture on the front page was made
into a desperate makeshift memory
having no relatives, he at seventy
all alone was living among debris
fabricating a past so he could see
some shred of light showing hope
when everyday was a downhill slope
his waterfront view was a stream
running down the alley, he dreamed
and placed his mind in rejection
so that he at least would have direction
but if you saw him what would you do
tell him the truth, or make his dream come true
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well well well.. i dunno wat 2 say about that, it was more of a poem or a story instead of a rap u noe wat im sayin nigga? it was aight... flow was kinda choppy, i didnt like the rhymes that much... vocab was ok, not bad but im not feelin that 1 at all
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decent read...i liked the storyline and you've stayed on topic during the whole drop,but what buged me was that the rhymescheme was simplistic...i know the lines were short,but still you could've tried some internal rhyming there.it flowed good don't get me wrong,but i like more complex rhymeschemes.the vocabulary was normal,could've chosen some better(upper)words in some places.keep it up!
if you have time,please return the fav:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181482
Peace man!
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Have to agree with K9. It seemeda little simplistic to me also, but I don't think it was becasue of your talent as much as it was because of the rhyme scheme you choose. It really difficult to use more complex vocab in that short of a rhyme shceme and that in turn will effect ur abilty to show imagery and detail. Still it was well structured and a good topic, I can tell u were trying something new so I applaud u fot that I just prefer your old style better. But hey wtf do I know. Keep droppin ill man.
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great imagery, nice form. it seems more poetic than rappish. is rappish even a word? well, it is now. haha. anyway, i liked it. the rhymes were simple, and i am a big fan of internal rhymes, but for this topic and style, simple end rhymes fit. a few times it would sound a bit weak like "his mate" and "similar to a sequal" but you made up for it with "opulance" and "debris". the reason i say this is that many times in soft, simple end rhymes, the same rhymes are used everytime and it gets a bit predictable, but opulance is a rare word and debris doesn't look like it would rhyme with 'see' or 'seventy'. i'm just rambling on... lol. nice job.
more feedback, haha:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182819
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at the beginnin it sounds like a poem...but thats rap RYTHEM AND POETRY...the thing is any1 lyric will sound like a poem when it is about a perticular subject when bein read w/o the beats or w/o some1 rappin it....u gotta rap it and re read it and understand each line b4 it can be music...thats how i feel about this one...also it was long lol but at the end of the day when u write ur ideas seem endless....overall it was good....the story is easily told in the manner that it has a purpose....open mic is music i hate how niggaz bring their beefs here cause ppl wont critique it rite in front lines...KEEP IT UP...
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cant c me
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crazy carl cant c me
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yeah diz was like sum poetry shyt....aint nothin wrong wit dat but it aint mah style...but shyt was str8 ocky...good drop....just up ya vocab sum too....EZ
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nice shit flowed nice but was sort of a poem to me mayb would've been a lil better if it was audio cause we would of heard a beat.. but nice anyways
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it was aight right for some one from philly u did'ent have a philly flow it was sort of poetic but i got u because u from illadel. u just need to work on the structure so i can follow u in the story.
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