The Vampire

I used to sit
on the right of the Lord's throne
sowing the seeds of joy
along the banks of population

Then
greed pervaded by corneas
God's laughter engulfed my
very being,
in the flames of
anguish. I imagined my
skin bubbling off its pale steed, as
wisps of belief fled my
psyche.

When will the
apprentice become the master?
God's name rolled
spitefully off my tongue
as my halo became ashen
and unfriendly- and the clouds
dispersed under my
heathen feet.

Now the cadaver is my only friend
as I seep from town to town
quenching my thirst and
spreading sin.

Vampires around me- sucking
money and love from their friends.
I suck blood from stranger to
live...so, why am I seen as
hellsent?

A veritable plague
falling upon prey like the sunset
I pray for forgiveness every night
But silence is all I get.

Damn this is pretty dope dude. Nice and abstract - this is my kind of writing. I kind of got put off by the way you laid your stanzas out though. It knocked the natural rhythm of the piece. But it was good nonetheless. Not too much else to say; well written, attempts at imagery were great. And the message was understood. Keep writing.

Cool beans. Were you satan? i dont fully understand it. But i liked your stanza structure, it flowed pretty well to me and it was unique. You dont always have to be symmetrical to flow good and you took good advantage of it.

word. this poem is str8 up tight, never really read poems.. but mac u got me here son


I used to sit
on the right of the Lord's throne
sowing the seeds of joy
along the banks of population

people would think thats simple, but in reality.. it's dope, fareal..



don't really feel like quotin anymore, just know that this was simply tight, it seemed a bit simple, but still.. the approach was nice and the content was aiight too. nice diction, nice structured poem, good shit mac.

ooooo, nice dude. Right off the bat i knew
what you were going for; the whole fallen
angel thing if i'm not mistaken. Lucifer maybe?
Anyways this was good. I found myself liking
this more than the last drop of yours. In
relation to that piece you again utilized
good wording which i think for me is what
i like about your writing. You seem to
know how to construct your lines/stanzas
to get that balance of imagery and thought,
if that makes any sense. i felt you could
have built a little more on it, or at least
the transition where he fell from heaven
into his vampire state, but meh just my thoughts
im just being picky. sorry if this was kind
fo a blah reply but its late so....yeah lol
regardless good work, keep em comin

fuck yea.. this was illness rite here..
dope shit man strait...
i cant give advice on anything here.. lol

nice shit

Nice mane..........The imaginary was there wasn't feeling any emotion. But the imaginary was dope mane..........

Some pretty good shit here Mac

A nice abstract piece....vocab was high, but I thought you
sometimes crammed too many words into some of your lines
...the complexity was high and I also thought that your
imagry was was done....I felt somethin was a bit off
when I read it...maybe syllable count was uneven or somethin
but nothin major...nice shit

nice poem .... i like deep shit that comes from the hreat.....keep at it.....and u'll get better.....practice as much as you can.....even if you cant write it down......

1

hit me back