-
Technical Freestyle
Nothing changes, sike daily life ages
Time always ranges, of ur closeness to greatness
Ur mouth turns tasteless, When ur life is fateless
In any thing ur in, u should never take shit as racist
Im scar face in this business, i take it serious
I can clean up ur crime scene, and make it look like
a deer ran in the road and head butted a Sears truck
Police and detectives dont know whats up
Caz i did better cleanin up then sergeons on Nip tuck
I dont do shit just to do shit for no reason
I can take cold weather, below zero freezin, teasin
Bums on the street who hate the winter season
And are doing self love, now from freezin its pleasin
And for our government, fuck that, no comment
Get drafted to Iraq for oil, I aint fond of it
I taunted Bush bigger than 72 size words fonted
Fuck Bush and his administration for the nation
I rather move away to Ohio on the faceless Plantation
America is in total devestation
10 trill bucks waisted on Bush from 9-11 hesitation
To stock the wrong country and erase a generation
I rather see the country under a Hitler dictation
An american sensation to see destruction take place
And i spray innocent people for no reason with mase
just to get a funny expression on there face, Lifes a race
And if u dont finish in grace time
U'll go blind forever in a blank state of mind
-
-
-
Steer away from all the -less -ness type rhymes, they take away from your piece completly. Make it more complex, throw in a better rhyme scheme, switch your rhyme patterns every now and then, work on some multis as most of this was pretty primal, overall - the mechanics of the verse werent enough to carry my attention through this. The opening section was a stretch to get through, mainly because of
a) the flow ( or lack there of ..)
b) a basic A,B rhyme scheme and never venturing further afield than that
c) Stuff like this -
I can clean up ur crime scene, and make it look like
a deer ran in the road and head butted a Sears truck
Which threw me completly and seemed like one huge run on sentence.
Just a few words of advice ..
-
This is a rant type piece. Not my steez. I like stories. Word at Baron about the "tion" rhymes. OK type shit. Keep writing.
My Open Mic: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175565
