The Day Backward`s .

Topic: Your parent's die, the day after you get a record deal, do you goto the funeral, or to the studio .

Black tux, sitting alone deprived of my only parents live's
I was a star in there eye's, then it crashed in a gash of suprise
*Sighs*, this could be my demise, my mind devoured' in size .
the car accident, that has me asking me why, stripping my pride .
Even with the pen in my hand, my mind just cant land, ima petty man .
my heart sink`s like quick sand, the last left of a one man band .
The phone call, that had me begging for mercy, I wasn't worthy .
nothing else can hurt me, begging to the church please, re-birth me .
How could this of happened, why are death's the only left mis-happens
still graspin that fact that im gaspin, to lift happiness from this life's sadness .
It was last Tues, the day before I was singing the blues, excepted my view's .
thoughts of provoction, the notion to call, and spread the good new's .
So I picked up the phone, and gave them a call, bragging for congrat's .
no more eating with food stamp's, finally able to buy a new pair of pants .
Im so excitied, I bet this cant be` real, wow, me an MC? a real record deal!
*Hello?*, *You excepted My DEMO?!?!*, You dont know how lucky I feel!!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=2147777
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176027

I WAS REALLY FEELING THIS PIECE, WORD PLAY WAS DECENT, MULTIS.......THE TOPIC WAS A CATCHY ONE.....YOU FLOWED NICE WITH IT.......ENJOYED READING IT EVEN THOUGHT THAT THOUGHT OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED OR COULD HAVE HAPPENED IS CRAZY........
BUT KEEP DROPPING.........
HOLLA:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176359

I thought it was good but u use alot of this

Black tux, sitting alone deprived of my only parents live's
I was a star in there eye's, then it crashed in a gash of suprise
*Sighs*, this could be my demise, my mind devoured' in size

u put sometimes a little to much ise sounds in there, makes it kinda funny
but ur verse was still well written, I give u props

Hit mine up if u see it

What the fuck? Make it kinda fun, its a topic that isnt supposed to be funny .

Thanks to the other kid .

Bump .

This was a decent verse the concept was raw and you got good emotion in the rhymes but i dont think you wrote enough on the subject.
The structure and vocab were ok but you need to work on the flow.
Overall it was a decent verse but it would of been a lot better if you wrote more on the subject.

Reply to this please.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176403