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Minor Problem
Days are becoming worthless and I’ve become tired
My everyday life is pathetic and most people I admired
My shallow youth is disappointing because of my disability
Torment circles my tears and I wish someone would kill me
Life is a bore when all the kids’ stop to just laugh you see
I can’t help the way I am, When I was born I couldn’t breath
The air supply to my brain weakened it until I had a surgical sleeve
School has become a hassle; I become frustrated when trying to learn
A couple of people always crack jokes and my whole mood is turned
I go from being angry for not grasping the material to being humiliated
So just try to imagine your life this way and I completely hate it
I hate having people help me and I hate when kids call me names
If only I were born with oxygen to my brain then I would be the exact same
Everyday of my life the same thing seems to happen
I can’t have fun like everyone else because this defect ruined my heart
I can’t run or play sports because I fear the it will leave me and fall apart
Other parents always stare while I’m with my mom at the store
Don’t these people have any decency and my mom shouts and say good lord
With this defect I’ve become tormented and I won’t ever think the same
I reconcile in the sanctuary of my home and find friends in video games
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hmmm..... some dark and fairly original stuff here. you managed to capture the mood quite well although i think some multis and stronger vocab would've really brought this piece to life. almost kindof gothy in its approach and a decent read overall.
keep on posting. if you could rep one of mine i'd appricaite it.
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fine drop.don't have elaborate rhymeschemes,no upper vocab,but i felt it.should try multis,would help the peice a lot.i liked the style ya wrote,kind of obscur.but,as i said,try multis,gives a whole new aura on the piece.
be sure to return fav
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175929
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man im really feelin this one..i can relate and i feel tha same..i cant learn at school either and everythin u said..nice dark mood..u captured it really well..its good to see a song that i can relate to on here which i haven't seen many of yet..return tha feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176317
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I liked the emotion of this peace.....with a more complex rhyme scheme and some stronger vocab this woulda been top notch but the imagery an overall feeling of this piece was nice....you gon be real nice wit these given time....good drop overall...keep elevating son....
Plz retrun the favor on one the links in the sig
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Thanks on the feedback. I hope you dont have this problem because I dont have it. But thanks on the feedback.
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I liked the topic, you were very descriptive, and developed the story. The was a lot of emotion, and you captured the thoughts of the kid. Flow was good, there was some nice vocab in there. You made it a nice drop by putting it in the first person, and having a believeable story line.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175493
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This was a good peice. topci was good, nothin to played.. Emotion was strong in this, i was likin it. i didn 't really see that many multis, but it still flowed pretty decent.. structure was also good, a few lines seemed a bit stretched but other then those, it all seemed good. there was also a few lines that i thought they didn 't fit in this or i couldnt really understand. I liked the last two lines, it finished this verse well.. but yeah overal this was a good peice, was feelin what you were sayin and you put alot of emotion in it.. good drop!
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Thanks on the feedback carl and abusive. Carl I'll return the feed tomorrow I dont have much time right now to read and breakdown.
