Short, Need Help2 Improve

sup, kinda newb - gimmi ya opinions, jst need help to improve

Through out sixteen years,
I've come so close to drowning in tears,
Each day i sat in a corner of fears,
Opposite side wa' my tears, But he was here,
Things seemed so much easier, to torture and return a favour,
For the pain,lame,sexualy abusive games,
Now you see him bleed,pleed right before i burned him to a hemp,
This helped me sleep,for about a week,before I realised I was the 1 wi' needs

tis crap but took a few mins 2 write, need help if any willin to offer mi PM mi

peace out

^ hey im willing to help... i dunno if you like my shit but heres a preview:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175933

Best thing to do is keep writing. Some stuff didn't rhyme, pay attention to that. Check out the tutorials in the help section to learn about structure. Take some more time to prepare a written, and choose a topic that you can be descriptive about.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175493

Up your vocab, and write about something else .
Structure is sketchy, just try to elevate, focus on a different topic .

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.