''Life...''

''Life...''-Sway

[verse]

Climed out of bed and I didnt know i was gonna die/
If i knew i still wouldnt cry/
Everybody gotta go/
Man, fuck this cold world/
Shit is out of control/
Niggas that are 8 years old in the street, selling
crack/
Their moms dont do nothing bout' that/
Isn't it suspicious, them little niggas rocking $800
chains/
But their momas got not brains/
Is this what we teach the youth?/
Nigga, we betta come up with the truth/

[chorus]

Iraq is bad, NY is bad, look at the motherfucking news
its bad/
This shit is sad, just gets mad/
When we gon' put something good on ''CNN''?/
Why dont you see my plan?/
15, and Im already thinkin'/
bout' how niggas gon' be livin'/

[verse]

How bout' them niggas who hit the planes into the
towers/
Maybe they did get enough attention, I would have sent
them flowers/
I dont hate them but then again I do/
At least the support their religion, they stay true/
Unlike you/
And buy ''you'', I mean the one that changes so they
can be noticed by everybody/
So they can be somebody/
Im from the ghetto, from the hood/
Im proud, even if it ain't good/
I stay true to my roots/
Tight with the hood, like our soldiers tight with
their boots/

[chorus]

Iraq is bad, NY is bad, look at the motherfucking news
its bad/
This shit is sad, just gets mad/
When we gon' put something good on ''CNN''?/
Why dont you see my plan?/
15, and Im already thinkin'/
bout' how niggas gon' be livin'/

[verse]

Michaels gon' crazy/
Gotta rape little boys, and not ladies/
America is quickly rebuilding Iraq, thats nice/
But whatever happened to, them taking' over 10 THOU of
our lifes?/
Im too deep in this rap game, I just tell the truth/
Unpoluting the minds of the youth/
Reaching out to the boys in this world/
and all them little helpless girls...

[chorus x2]

Iraq is bad, NY is bad, look at the motherfucking news
its bad/
This shit is sad, just gets mad/
When we gon' put something good on ''CNN''?/
Why dont you see my plan?/
15, and Im already thinkin'/
bout' how niggas gon' be livin'/


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...03#post2145803
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...00#post2145800

anyone? :hump:

bars were uneven flow was choppy elementry rhymes.... chorus needs to go i wasnt feelin it at all...try to even ur bars out keep droppin n dont let no one knock ur flow jus keep spittin...oh n wat chu mean by little gurls?? that dont sound right change that up ..... ~one~

Quote:

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Originally Posted by G-Money

bars were uneven flow was choppy elementry rhymes.... chorus needs to go i wasnt feelin it at all...try to even ur bars out keep droppin n dont let no one knock ur flow jus keep spittin...oh n wat chu mean by little gurls?? that dont sound right change that up ..... ~one~

---

thankx for the feedback... ya, the little gurls thing is weird, :laugh2:

This was ok here man, You need to elevate but that will come in time, I see potential with you here...You didnt exactly write some kind of gangsterish stuff like most newer people tend to do, which is cool that you didnt cause it makes it something different to read...I think if you would even up your lines a little better and make things more complex man. you would come off as a better writer as a whole...I would really like to see you elevate man, But like i said...Try to even up your lines to helpe your flow out, cause i mean i think you got a good idea of concepts since you just didnt come off writing about gangster stuff...but try to use multies and i think you will be much better than, And try to word things a little better as well....but Keep posting man..and keep writing.

^as he said... topic was nice, most new kids do that gangster ish, was nice to see this from you... was kinda simple though, keep droppin peices like this and you 'll elevate... cussing in every other line kinda takes away from the emotion, but thats just me.... the michael jackson lines are played, so try stay away from those.. but yeah, keep droppin stuff like this and you 'll elevate... keep it up!

yo, thankx for the support and now im writing with bigger words and its cause' of you guys... and i love that line bout ''I stay true to my roots/
Tight with the hood, like our soldiers tight with
their boots/''

I liked the structure of the flow. seems like you need to fill in some space in ur rhymes though. 2 me anyways it seemed as if you had a lot of breath pauses. A lot of areas that presented silence, which in some cases is a positive thing. But for these threads i would suggest fillin it up with quick release flows. Good job tho.

Stay up

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Relapse

I liked the structure of the flow. seems like you need to fill in some space in ur rhymes though. 2 me anyways it seemed as if you had a lot of breath pauses. A lot of areas that presented silence, which in some cases is a positive thing. But for these threads i would suggest fillin it up with quick release flows. Good job tho.

Stay up

---

thankx to all, ne one else?

I think you decided on a good subject here but like some of the other readers I believe it was a little simplistic. Try to work on improving your vocabulary. Also when your doing a text piece structure is really important. So try to even out ur bars a little. The best way to do that is to watch word count. It's a big difference between text and audio pieces. But there is potential there,so keep posting and elevating.

^^ yo, can you help me on this stuff? like counting words and shit, i dont get it... ive been writing for about 1 month now and im confused, lol


thankx for the feed... anyone else?

you had some good ideas that concern our world,but try to keep the shit more thight.even up the verses,so its easy to read.try to elevate,use more vocab,and try different rhymes.some of the rhymes ya spit are used by most.overall it was a simplistic song,as said before,try to elaborate deeper ideas,that touch people,ya know?it's important for the readers to really feal ya.

^ thankx for the feed, i do need to learn a better VOCAB but i think i got skills and i need to learn how to express it... leave a link and ill holla back