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the dark prophet
in my mental depths,lurking like a shadow inside my shell,
a vissionary mind outcast from heaven straight to hell,
death stalking with its calamity ringing the bells homs,
suffering in obscurity askin for whom the bells thom,
i'm a prisoner of my own thoughts............alone,
they say the bells ring for me,flesh turning to bone,
the lord don't condome my insanity,sand to stone,
see the devil in my eyes shining powerfull like crom,
look to the sky above,angel tears turnin to stars,
my own freedom turnin' into metal bars,
my execrable condition,cursed by my own ambition,
to surpass my own fate,ended so vicious,
and i slowly drift into nonexistance,
the fool and the wise look the same from a distance,
ones order, just one moment,total disorder,
and search further,ones life is ones murder,
we learn far away from the calmness of newly birth,
we all passin' shadowz on this god-forsaken earth,
and it hurt,beautiful agony called life turned to dirt,
walk thru the darkest marsh,on the most izolated path,
to esape death's rush,but nowhere can i hide from its wrath,
all my attempts to escape death's long hand,
only brought my to my inevitable sad end,
and i see with open eyez darkness shine so bright,
painfully i myself realize,ain't gonna see no light,
no blue skys,no tranquility,no angels soar,
no good deeds to reflect on,only chains on heaven's door,
the certitude of death it's a true acomplishment sincerely,
no one escapes,just those who only escape just nearly,
the language of death makes me see things clearly,
no true response,no undoubtable truthfully answer,
cuz ya c,a bad habbit,a wrong response spreads like cancer,
but now,dead but awake,i start to see mo' clearly as ever,
i'm a profet,fallen' by the apocaliptic power of human lust,
the devil love it,the expression,ashes to ashes,dust to dust,
the unprotected human spirit eventually surely shall rust,
i see...the begining...the end...the plans of the celestial power,
two hundred meaningfull lifes as i see,ended in an hour,
the devil and god,in their true essence,each one a court,
they all tempt us,test us,for their own sick pleasure,
all they do,tempt and watch,laugh and measure,
measure humans hate,anger,stupidity,gelosy,cruelty,
but even a damned soul.....has its own beauty,
fuck them both,now i know,i am the one,
i understand people's worth, i am the sun,
the decendent of all-mighty Ra,i sing fates coard,
i dictate the world,first it was his,now it's my word,
i command death's hand,call me the all-mighty lord,
with my palms,i steal destiny from the seven Pleiades,
i'm as one,i'm the two.............Rigel and Beteleuse
then people was guided,now they should choose,
i'm higher then god,rise higher then hell's fire,
and with just one thought i see the demize of my empire,
and i see my dark thoughts couldn't comprehend i'm the lord,
my wiry mind,my unsteady condition can't rule the world,
now i trully see,we humans are just pawns on a chess board...
just to prove i have a poetic mind,in all what means poetic.hope ya like it!
now to explain a little what i wanted to say...it's about the strugle of a human to escape death's claws,but in the end,he couldn't hide from it.he then dies and goes to hell:"no good deeds to reflect on,only chains on heaven's door"...he starts to go insane...he thinks god and the devil are just having fun on humans,he thinks his better and powerfull than them.he thinks he's a descedent from ra(the egiptian god),he thinks he's everything:the one,the sun...he steals destiny from the 7 Pleiades(the seven sisters who controled the destiny strings of each human),he thinks he's Rigel and Beteleuse(the most powerful shinin stars from the Orion constelation,the egiptian holyest constalation)...but then he really thinks that he's mo' powerful than god,and by thinkin that,he's awaken(his empire crumbles),and realizez that no one can be as powerfull as god,and that us mortal souls are just pawns on a chess board.
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ain't nobody likin' the shit i wrote?say if ya like,or if ya don't like it.holla!
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Very impressive. Loved the topic and your word structure and vocabulary made the storyline flow well. Their were minimakl flaws. Overall though quite impressive especially if this is one of ur first drops. If u ever want to do a collab hit me up I'll be waiting on ur next drop. U get a chance check out some of mine. The links to them are in my sig.
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yo this was hott the topic was crazy i like ur wordplay a lot im feelin ur flo good shyt keep droppin chek out sum of mine if u eva c any up on the postsss
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Yeh, this was ok.
- It evened itself out, there were parts I thought fell off, but there were some very good parts where I was really feeling it.
- You're vocab was very good, you used it well. On such a long piece, like 30 bars, its easy to occasionally fall into something really simple, but you kept the wordplay up and I appreciate this piece for that.
- You're topic was nice, at times you expressed it really well, but I also think it left me thinking and wanting a bit more. Try telling the story instead of bordering around it.
- This, imo, on such a piece was either to long or to short I couldnt decide. Maybe you could break it up with a chorus or something, something to disrupt the flow but bring you right back and you can expand the piece.
- I mentioned you have good vocab, but occasionally your spelling seems rushed and you use abbrevitions occasionally. I think on a piece like this, you need those words to help the expression, and its like you yourself were forcing the reader to skim through it, try make it easy on the eye, make it more presentable and you'll be onto something really nice.
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Overall, this piece was pretty nice. A few very nice lines, and a few I didnt really like. I see potential with you, and if its not your writing letting you down, its the way you present it. Work on that man and you'll see how much it changes.
7.5/10
Peace
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i like everything about this
HOT SIT!!!
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thx for the feedback homs.i could have done a better job,but i rushed to finish this piece,i was gettin borred writing.didn't read it after finishin,posted right away.so i have some mistakes in it.gonna drop somethin' new today;given more attention to this one.
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this is really good, i like the ''bones'' rhyme... keep on and you'll be better
return the feeback:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...06#post2145806
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The topic was very interesting. On some of the Egyptian names, maybe tie some of the explanation into the verse, so that it wouldn't need the explanation as much. The vocab was good, it supplemented the story line. Try to go over and fix the spelling, just so that your message is clear, and the verse is formal. You had good concepts, couple lines could have a whole verse planned around them, like "the fool and the wise look the same from a distance." But you put your ideas to a single topic, and it was a nice drop.
Thanks for replying to my open mic.
