Noman

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.

Ok first of all this hit was so dope man....I really felt your lines a lot man!! Also, I like your words and vocabulary man!! Here is my breakdown.....

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
Really good I dunno if it was very good for an opener tho...but still nice!!
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I liked this too...but it seemed like you forced the rhyme here a lil bit!!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
Nothing to say but NICE man!!!
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I believe this was ur best line in here...dunno why but it flowed almost flawlessly!!
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Second line a lil stretched, but nice job again here!!
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
Liked this.....I felt this one and it was a good line man!!
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.
I almost like yo whole thing except this was kinda weak...sorry..but good overall!!

Word Thanks.

I liked this....
emotion:good
honesty:good..this is actually how you really have felt
time in it:some I'd say about 20-40 minutes good for what you wrote
structure and everyting in between:good

8/10

If you leave like one line of feedback and a link, I will give you good feedback in return.

Though I would apreciate long feedback on this, thank you for your time.

Your shit is bomb! and it exploded the way you dropped it. The rhyme scheme kicked ass also

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171275
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=2104684

^ thank you for pointing that out lol... And THANKS for the links. I can finally get at something.

I did find it hard to get into. But at the same time, i grasped the concept and how you tried to work it. Though ultimately the emotion seemed to wilt too often. Like a gas fire that keeps going out (or something).

Still, it had a good base to it. Not bad. Certainly something to build on.