slander

i here ya slandering me ya need a muzzle a pull ya apart and let ya fall all over the place like a jig saw puzzle, homie is trouble he like snitchin' but i'll shoot his arms off like a short sleeve polo now ya bitchin' im just tryin to silence this lamb b4 i have to sacrifice this man he think im playin but that 45 smith & wesson a tell em im not playin' when his organs scatter like showers on the weather channel but he warm like a flannel & im cold like this handle i leave his head on a mandle & stick in some candles now get this through head ya shoulda stopped WHILE YA PUNK ASS WAS AHEAD now ya dead ya stinkin now slanderin' me i think not now u some where hot like JOHN CONSTANTINE YA PICKED THE WRONG SPOT heaven i think not you in that place for eternity homie.

You could work on your flow if you structured this better, ending the line at the rhyme.
You could fill in/take out words to have better line length. You attempted wordplay, keep that up. Work on a topic where you can go in detail.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172439

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

personally: I read this piece, and didnt like it just because it was like reading an essay, you jumped around more than a 'trampaline'
every BAR/ line was crammed together, I dont know what you wanna call it, but to me it was AWFUL...

I couldnt catch ya flow, like 'WATER-N-FISHNETS'...

i prolly would have had interest in it, if it were formatted & displayed with some kind of "KNOWING-WHAT-YOU'RE-DOIN" presentation...
But only those who can, 'CAN', & those who cant, take it as you aint neva gone do-it.

BUT WHAT I DID LIKE ABOUT IT WAS THE IMAGINATIVE THEORY, YOUR CONCEPT WASNT FULLY THERE, BUT YOUR ON THE RIGHT TRACK, KEEP-ON@IT. ~WUNN~

:shoot:KALIKOZE9/11:shoot:

gedd@me....

it had few points that broke marginal the rest lagged some i think u have alot to work on overall but are of to a great start and have potential

This was an average verse the vocab needs work so does the flow.
You need to structrure your bars better so it makes it easier to read em.
The rhymes you wrote were just the played out thug rhymes plus the verse was short.
Next time post up a longer verse and talk about something you live instead of bullshit.
Return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=173174

aight aight... kinda dragged... wording was aight ya formin around to it though.. so keep doin what ya doin... me ,u.them.. we all need practice homie.... piece...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by masked-villian

i here ya slandering me ya need a muzzle a pull ya apart and let ya fall all over the place like a jig saw puzzle, homie is trouble he like snitchin' but i'll shoot his arms off like a short sleeve polo now ya bitchin' im just tryin to silence this lamb b4 i have to sacrifice this man he think im playin but that 45 smith & wesson a tell em im not playin' when his organs scatter like showers on the weather channel but he warm like a flannel & im cold like this handle i leave his head on a mandle & stick in some candles now get this through head ya shoulda stopped WHILE YA PUNK ASS WAS AHEAD now ya dead ya stinkin now slanderin' me i think not now u some where hot like JOHN CONSTANTINE YA PICKED THE WRONG SPOT heaven i think not you in that place for eternity homie.

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yo yo raps is wack