Don't Speak To Me

Yo i had posted this verse on the wrong page so I'm putting it here now.

>>This Muthafuker thinks I'm playing

Verse 1:
I can't believe I got this letter from my pops the other day,
he was trying to persuade me, saying hes changed see,
but I really don't give a fuck what he does with his life,
Although its like, I'm being stabbed in the back with a knife,
But check it, he left mom and us to fend for ourselves,
knowing damn well, we couldnt make it with out his help,
but he left us, and at the end he betrayed himself,
So if I ever meet his ass, Let me tell you what I'd do,
I'd shoot him, and at the end I'd give him a long "Fuck You"
Why the fuck would you leave your fam for a damn prostitute?
You fucking liar I hope you get whats coming to you
I hope you run across the wrong crew and they pop yo ass,
run you over with a car, and smash your head into a glass.
I wish someone would do it, cause the truth is,
I can't do it, cause I'm still your kid

I think it didn't flow good. You need to work on a rhyming pattern like AA,BB or ABCB, you know, somthing like that. And it seemed kind of weak. It's a very serious subject so I think it would be better if you expressed it better. For example, the line "smash your head into a glass." It's a pretty weak insult and doesn't really make much sense, since a glass is just like a drinking glass. I don't know...

But anyway, keep working at it.

decent jawn here, flow was off at first, decent rhyme scheme but also off at first,
message was ok i guess, felt like u were flat, a little more emoition maybe, but nice topic, i see is only the first verse so seeing the other mgiht be interesting,

4/10

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

dunno, didnt flow that well, try usin more multis it'll help your flow... emotion was decent, you could have gotten more creative, more detailing with it...swearin in every line takes away from your emotion, try workin on that... theres alot you could work on but it was ok... keep it up !