Outlaw of Heaven

Outlaw of Heaven
Part 1

I am not afraid of you, you are not the end,
I have changed my view, I see you as a bend,
you are no stop, you are life askew,
up ahead i spot, you divide in two.

The road divides and on each side a ticket booth?
Cant decide on which to confide, but wait im still a youth
I notice my foot firm on the pedal, i try to release,
but it stays put on the metal, i put my lips to my piece,
make peace and let my speed increase.

Now, the question remains... left or right?
my expression changed, the answers out of sight.
My pulse is at its height, I can't make up my mind.
Swerve left, swerve back right, why didnt i see the signs?
My feelings i regret, you have now become a threat,
and the closer you get, the more my hands sweat.

I see your two mouths approaching,
like a foul mouthed spouse encroaching,
left or right left or right leftor rightleftorright
the question fades out into the night.
Its now bright from the ticket booths light
and i suddenly have insight turn right!

My brake pad kisses the rotor, and I come to a halt,
I listen to the motor, and feel the situation exalt,
I can taste your stench, i can feel your eyes,
... I open my ears to hear demise

"Good day sir" this doesnt feel "right", my hand moves to shift gears,
he continues, suspense at its height, "you have live twenty-one years"

"I hope your ready, it is a steep slope dowwwwnn"

*gasp*

*gasp*

F*ck this! Im already in reverse turning around
Tires skid and melt as it wasnt meant to be,
I put on my seat belt because death just screwed me.
I head for the left booth as tires disintegrate fate,
I blow through and desecrate Gods gate.



To be continued... ;)

I thought that this was pretty interesting. I wasnt sure if you made a wrong turn and the booth on the right was taking you to hell of if you were about to be in a drive by.lol. But naw this was a good piece the imaginary coul be stronger and the details a little sharper but this was a nice piece.

yeah the right was hell, thanks for the feedback fore. ill try to be more descriptive.

nice nice.. me like it much.

lol u fag give me better feedback ur feedback= lvl 1

yo, wuz hood...I was feelin this I got a lil confused but then again im tired but u could have made it a little more clear and used a little more imagery. Other than that shit was good keep droppin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

I am not afraid of you, you are not the end,
I have changed my view, I see you as a bend,
you are no stop, you are life askew,
up ahead i spot, you divide in two.

---

I read this and I interpreted you talking to God.....fork in the road is 2 ways to heaven? Or it could be a road to heaven and a road to hell. I like the road to heaven and road to hell lol...thats dope

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

The road divides and on each side a ticket booth?
Cant decide on which to confide, but wait im still a youth
I notice my foot firm on the pedal, i try to release,
but it stays put on the metal, i put my lips to my piece,
make peace and let my speed increase.

---

this was straight....I dont know what the ticket booths represent...maybe one is St Peters gate....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

Now, the question remains... left or right?
my expression changed, the answers out of sight.
My pulse is at its height, I can't make up my mind.
Swerve left, swerve back right, why didnt i see the signs?
My feelings i regret, you have now become a threat,
and the closer you get, the more my hands sweat.

---

Who is "you"....I think your talking to the fork in the road....this was nice imagry I thought...at least I pictured somone driving towards a fork....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

I see your two mouths approaching,
like a foul mouthed spouse encroaching,
left or right left or right leftor rightleftorright
the question fades out into the night.
Its now bright from the ticket booths light
and i suddenly have insight turn right!

---

nice metas here...and I liked how the "right leftor rightleftorright " was done without spaces to represent quick thinking...I still am not sure what the ticket booths are...or if they're just a metaphor for something...bright light thats approaching sounds like the "light at the end of the tunnel" to me....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

My brake pad kisses the rotor, and I come to a halt,
I listen to the motor, and feel the situation exalt,
I can taste your stench, i can feel your eyes,
... I open my ears to hear demise

---

straight part here.....leaves the reader guessin whether your in heaven or hell....suspense is always good and you did a good job of it...keeps it interesting

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

"Good day sir" this doesnt feel "right", my hand moves to shift gears,
he continues, suspense at its height, "you have live twenty-one years"

"I hope your ready, it is a steep slope dowwwwnn"

*gasp*

*gasp*

---

live should be lived...minor grammatical error....You took the right road to hell....you died early....murder or suicide? Suicide would explain why your goin to hell if your religious...hmmmm

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chemical~P

F*ck this! Im already in reverse turning around
Tires skid and melt as it wasnt meant to be,
I put on my seat belt because death just screwed me.
I head for the left booth as tires disintegrate fate,
I blow through and desecrate Gods gate.

---

Aight./..good way to finish here....altho I think you could have added some dope imagry...described what you saw of the right path.....anyway...so you were goin to hell, but obviously didnt want to....nice emotion..altho the f*ck was kinda gay....its ok to jus write fuck unless your against swearing or sumthin...Gods = God's...anutha small grammatical error..

Overall this was a dope drop....real creative story...some of the deeper meaning I prolly didnt comprehend....but from what I grasped...this was nice...props

thanks for the feedback lyric, a lot of your interpretation is on point or close but theres a lot left to guess at. anyone care to try or leave some feed at least, ill return the favor if you leave a link. = )

I Could have sworn I made a reply to this right after lyrics post.. But sorry about the time it took me to return the favor on this, On to the piece, I thought that the story was good, creative, there were some parts that threw me off, but it was because I had my own interpretation of it, See after reading it thoroughly, I thought that you had already died, and was on your way to either heaven or hell, but the choice was up to you. and you chose hell to find out that thats not the place you wanted to be (obviously) and then tried to take it back. Ya know? But because of how that was my interp. I thought some of the story in the beginning was un-needed. But anyways, seeing how that wasn't the way it was meant to be, I thought that this had a pretty good messege, I'd like to see the ending of it. so drop it soon alright? Thanks for replying to my poem...

.....this piece had me wanting more. But then i had to read it again to make sure I was feelin what you were puttin out. At first, I slept on it (but hang on)...thinkin you was hating god..(which still I would have respectfully read further)..but feared u were takin a typical route. Then the imagery you provided was pretty clear. Being all siked up to go head on to seal your fate...then realizing ..DAMN..I f___t up!..which I bet so many of us been through..and will again.
This piece wasnt all about religion...it was all about oneself...and the realization at the end made it sweet...cause regret is such a factor in life.
But the end is really the begining of teh NEXT drop you have..cant wait to read on!

also really quick...

Quote:

---

"I notice my foot firm on the pedal, i try to release,
but it stays put on the metal, i put my lips to my piece,
make peace and let my speed increase."

---

...that part is nice...
Honestly..i think too much imagery would ve killed or confused the direction.
I say keep it as u have!
Ups to u ....break off more!

lol thanks for the feedback guys, after my next piece i will break off part 2... keep your eyes open
thanks again

Feedback appreciated, will return favor