Blinded...Verse 1

Links:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170458
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170124

I haven't really had much time to write lately, so I didn't get this piece finished. It's written in my accent, so I'm not sure how well it rhymes in other accents, but most lines should sound alright.

The Child Is Born
The family gazes upon a baby laying there, before his kin
The disease is agonizing and has deformed his skin
He’s blinded by the tightness of his blood red, swollen eyelids
The child crying, lying down, frightened, whilst writhing around
His skin is a rock hard shell, breaking and bleeding
With every move he’s taking, it’s peeling. Doctor’s can’t tell…
…If the baby will even make it through the evening
His chest constricted, skin lacerates when he’s breathing
Pain wracking through the boy’s skin where it’s cracking at the joints
Parents hoped for a flawless baby, but that hope’s been destroyed
Something worse than what the doctors ever saw
His skin looked shredded and torn, severed and worn
Terror has formed in the hearts of his loving family
Death is looming for the newborn, such a tragedy
And as they gawk at the disfigured baby, awful and vile
They anticipate death for this near corpse of a child

i dont think your bad, good vocab, imagery, etc.,
but some lines i just got lost when i was reading
-work on ur structure a lil more- always room for improve-ments.

Peace

it was a good flow and everything, good structure and stuff... but just something about it, bored me. I think you need to work on your storyline. You gave one big verse about almost the exact same thing that it sounded repetitive. If you can improve on your story, you can improve your imagery and you can captivate your critics. Everything else is good. Great way to finish the verse. good work :)

i thought it was good, good vocab, but i thought u were a lil repetitve... u mentioned the skin a lil to much but other than that it was a good verse keep spittin

This was a nice verse but it would of been better if you wrote more.
The structure was good the vocab and imagery were good.
You got a nice flowand you mixed it up in the verse which was nice.
Overall it was tight but would of been really hot if you made it longer.

Return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170524