ftd open mic

i wanted to try this out


yo we ftd and we fresh ta death/
we leave yall fools stunned without breathe/
and if you step to us we'll put you to da test/
and we sicker than yall and we top the rest/
and you better run and hide before the berreta puncture your vest/
and my name is 3x and im the illest yo/
and im the the one who make the girls imprest/
and were the best in the game so we put your crew to shame/
and im the one in charge but but im not the reson your lame /
and when this shit is done you'll wanna put the lyrics in a picture frame/

it was ok u can use some of ur words in smaller sentences
and other than that u did ok
keep practicing

and and and and and.

*head spins*

thanx man its my first om and it was some what of a freestyle

lets get some feed back people

i thought that was meh
and that i could have been better
and could use some more complex lines
and a better topic
and some actualy punches
and stop writing all those ands bro fucks up ya shit big time

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

This was ok if it was a freestyle but if it was pre written it was pretty poor.
I just wasnt feeling it the structure vocab and flow was all below average plus it was to short. But you said you was trying it so you probably didnt put much effort in2 it.

Hit this up.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169972

You had some good ideas, but it needed to be lengthened. You don't need to set up the next line with an "and" just keep going with your verse. For this one you could take all of them out, and it would be less repetitive, but the reader gets the same out of it.
Return the feedback
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168531

uppin

uppin

First, try not to repeat words too often... using the word 'and' at the beginning of most of the lines wasn't good. Second, try to make the lines similar lengths. If you ever write to a beat, you'll have trouble with lines like

and my name is 3x and im the illest yo/
and when this shit is done you'll wanna put the lyrics in a picture frame/

^ the flow is inconsistent

You could also try using multies and internal rhymes to keep the rhymescheme more interesting.

could someone help me with multis